Cancer Musings (Taxol #11)

Today was my 11th treatment of Taxol. Only 1 left to go, and I am grateful! This past week was a bit of a low-energy week for me and more of a challenge for me to eat food, though by the grace of God I was able to do so. I still don't taste much, and I can't smell anything, but God continues to give me the ability to eat because I need to and not just because I want to (the opposite of how I've done it in the past). 

My only appointment today was lab & chemo, and it went well. No reactions, and we were out of there fairly quickly. We're very thankful for that.

This is a busy week of appointments for us. Monday I started Physical Therapy. I qualified for a program they are calling Pre-Hab. Because I've lost a lot of weight quickly during the chemo process (and lost muscle mass), I am weaker and don't have much stamina. The physical therapy is being recommended to get me stronger before I have surgery. I'm already seeing some improvement in stamina in the short amount of time I've added in some of the recommended exercises. I'll continue with the PT appointments once a week until I have surgery (likely sometime in June). 

Tomorrow, I am scheduled to see the radiation oncologist for a consult. Radiation, which I will have if I choose to go with a lumpectomy, is the less invasive surgery and the recommended one for me considering the location and small size of the tumor, and the fact that it is Stage 1. And it is the process I have the most questions about and feel the most unsettled about. Greg will go with me to this appointment. Prayer for us as we prayerfully consider the information and move forward with a decision is appreciated.

I've included a picture below from today's appointment. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #10)

Today was my 10th treatment of Taxol, only 2 more to go. Oddly, I had a small reaction to the pre-med of Benadryl this time around, which I've been receiving for the past 9 weeks without issue. Chemo is weird that way. Things can change quickly. It was controlled quickly, my blood pressure came down, and we proceeded with treatment. They will lower the dose of Benadryl next week. 

I had 4 appointments today, so it was a busy day. I met with my oncology provider, lab, and infusion which are part of the normal process, but in between those appointments, I also had an appointment with a surgeon. Surgery is an inevitable part of this process and one I haven't talked much about yet. With other forms of breast cancer, often surgery is done first (often a mastectomy) and then chemo is done afterwards to kill what ever cancer cells are left. With triple-negative breast cancer, in many treatment plans, the opposite course of action is taken. It's chemo first and surgery last due in part to the aggressive nature of this form of cancer. 

I was nervous about this appointment today because I'm very unsettled about the decision of surgery. The surgeon I met with today was the first provider I met when I was diagnosed back in November. She delivered the news to me and gave me the details about the diagnosis. It didn't go that well. She was very nervous about telling me that it was triple negative breast cancer, and I was very confused about what that meant and why I was meeting with a surgeon if I was going to have chemo first. No one has talked to me about surgery since that day 5 months ago, so I didn't know what to expect for today. 

With my previous apprehension, much prayer, and Greg at my side, I met with the surgeon today, and God answered many prayers in that appointment. I did know ahead of time that the choices in surgery would be lumpectomy or mastectomy. If I choose lumpectomy, it would be followed by a course of radiation. If I choose a mastectomy, it would be followed by reconstructive surgery. I wasn't excited about either of these options. 

The surgeon couldn't have been kinder or more compassionate in today's appointment (she even asked to hug me at the end of it). She spent a lot of time with the two of us and answered all our questions. She gave me referrals to all the team members (plastic surgery, radiation oncology) so I could gather more information before I made a decision. Surgery can't be done until at least 4 weeks after chemo ends (to give the body some time to recover), so it will take place sometime in June but has not been scheduled yet. By the grace and provision of God, I feel more ready to make a decision about surgery and a little more at ease. 

It was a full day, and I was grateful to have Greg with me through all of it. It has become our habit to take a picture together at each chemo appointment and today was no exception. 

Cancer Musings (Spring Hat)

Today was a beautiful, unseasonably warm April day in Minnesota. The thermometer hit 81 degrees. I also had an unusual amount of energy for a Saturday (which is usually a harder day in the after-chemo cycle for me), which prompted Greg and I to go to a local park and take a walk. 

Recently, I was talking to my friend, Sue, and telling her that the hard thing for me about seeing the warmer weather come is that I'd have to stop wearing my favorite winter hats to cover my bald head. I live in those hats and prefer them to the wig, but there is a point when winter knitted hats with pom-poms start to look ridiculous (and get pretty hot). Upon hearing my lament, my friend ordered a spring-summer appropriate hat for me and gave it to me. That was such a kind thing for her to do. I've mentioned before that the kindness and compassion and generosity of God and people has been what has overwhelmed me (with gratitude) the most during this cancer journey. 

It was the perfect hat for today. I was grateful to God for the opportunity (and energy) to use the "spring" hat for the first time. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #9)

Today was my 9th treatment of Taxol. Only 3 more to go. I had several good days last week and was able to eat more food than usual. I thank God for that. Greg was able to be with me today, which I am also grateful for. 

Though I'm nearing the end of chemo, I'm not nearing the end of this journey quite yet. There will be a surgery in my future (lumpectomy or mastectomy). I meet with the surgeon again as part of next week's appointments to finalize some of those decisions There needs to be at least 4 weeks between the last chemo session and surgery, so it will likely be in June and will require a recovery period and time off of work. Prayer for that decision is appreciated. 

I've worked hard through this journey to share it with others all along the way (such as with this blog). I ask for help from the Lord to celebrate what I can celebrate and mourn what I need to mourn. He is helping me to do that. One way that I do that is to make sure we take a picture at every chemo session/appointment. You'll find the picture of Greg and  me at today's appointment listed below..

Cancer Musings (The Cancer Train)

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I felt like I was on a runaway train that I couldn't get off from. And I kept saying that over and over. The "train" was set in motion, and I couldn't stop it. There were so many phone calls and appointments and decisions. There was no break from it. That feeling hasn't changed that much since the beginning of the process, but I have learned to roll with it and embrace it as time has gone on. 

I started to use the "train" as an out of the ordinary way to journal the process. I cut out little paper train cars and wrote down the different appointments, treatments, side effects, etc. that have come with the cancer experience. I don't want to forget what has happened along the way. I want to remember it and use it to fuel compassion for others I encounter along the way and in the future. 

I posted the train on the wall next my favorite chair in our bedroom, so I can see it and be reminded. 

It didn't take long and I made a second train. The first one I call the "Cancer Train", and the second one I call the "Gratitude Train". On the gratitude train cars I'm writing down all the kind things God has done through people and answered prayer since this journey began (cards in the mail, meals delivered to our door, encouraging conversations, etc.) It keeps things in perspective for me. 

It's a work in progress, and my prayer is that in the end the Gratitude Train is far longer than the Cancer Train. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day-Taxol #8)

Today was my 8th treatment of Taxol. The finish line is in sight. Only 4 more to go. By the grace of God, I had more good days than bad days last week, and the side effects were fewer and tolerable.

We have been very fortunate through this process that Greg has been able to attend most of the chemo and doctor appointments with me. He hasn't had to go out of town for work nearly as much this winter compared to past years, and we're very grateful for that. Today, however, Greg did have to work an in-town show, so he wasn't able to attend this infusion appointment. I had my back-up guy with me. Papa-Larry came with me and filled in as my "ice pack technician". He did a great job and it was nice to have him there. 

The only appointment I had today was labs/infusion, so it was a quicker process than usual. I felt well going into it and there were no complications along the way. I praise God for the good day and his continued care along this journey. 

I've included a couple pictures below. 

Cancer Musings (Good Friday & Easter)

For me personally and for our household, the Easter holiday is all about recognizing and honoring the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ . We consider it the most significant event(s) in history and the basis of our Christian faith. With that in mind, I set out with a very specific purpose for this weekend: Operation Conserve Energy. It was my goal (and my prayer) to stay as rested as possible so I could make it to the Good Friday and Easter services at our church this weekend. The reason I chose the church services is because it is the place I knew these events would be most recognized and focused on. I set aside any ideas of hosting a family gathering or attending a family gathering because I knew ahead of time I would not have the strength and energy for more than one extra event in a day.

God answered my prayers. I was able to attend the somber, poignant, and thought-provoking Good Friday service. This year our church did a Tenebrae service, meaning the lights progressively dimmed after each reading and song until the service ended in darkness and we walked out in silence. This was to symbolize the darkness of Jesus' death and describe the darkness that came over the land on that day as described in Matthew 27:45 "Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour.."

This morning I was able to attend the celebratory Easter service where we honored the resurrection of Jesus from the dead with light, color, joyous song, and reading God's Word. 

It was so good to be at both services, and I thank God for the opportunity. I can truly say I appreciated it more this year than I have in the past because this year it became precious to me all over again. 

" He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise." Luke 24:6-7

" We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God." Romans 6:9-10

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #7)

Today was my 7th treatment of Taxol. I'm over the hump now. Only 5 left to go. Usually I have a couple good days right before I have chemo again, but this time around, there were no good days. I was sick the whole way through and had a very hard time eating all week (but I did eat). No upswing this time around. By the time I got to this morning, I was pretty weak and hoping when they drew labs they wouldn't let me do chemo this week. But my labs came back fine with the exception of slightly low potassium, which was not enough to keep me from going through with the treatment. 

The oncology team gave me some easy solutions to increase my potassium through diet and supplements, which I feel confident will allow me to regain some strength and feel a little better. By the grace of God, the pre-meds they gave me before the Taxol infusion today allowed me to regain some strength and tolerate the med. I was even able to eat lunch afterward. I feel better this evening than I've felt this week so far. 

When I saw the oncologist last week, she told me I'm at the point in the treatments where I'm going to have to "dig deep" to get through it because the weariness sets in and the side effects continue. I'm finding that to be true, so I'm digging deeper into prayer and reliance on God and His faithfulness. The prayers of others are also a huge help to me at this time, and I thank you all who are praying and for the many kindnesses I've been shown in this journey.

Cancer Musings (Cancer Is Expensive)

Shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the wheels of the process were already moving (fast), I was speaking with a friend at church who is living with leukemia. I just had a port placed in my chest a few days before that. The port is meant to help with the chemo process. The lab draws and the infusions of chemo drugs are accessed with a needle inserted directly into the port site. This spares the patient from being poked in the arm every time and it spares the stress put on the veins. My friend told me the cost of the port without insurance picking up a good-sized chunk of it. The price was astronomical. She made a statement that I have come back to many, many times in my mind since then. She said quite emphatically, "Cancer is expensive!" I have found that to be very true. Cancer is expensive in many ways and I'll elaborate on a few of the ways I've discovered along this journey so far. 

Cancer is expensive financially: Besides the many, many medical bills that come in during this process for chemo treatments, doctor visits, mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, genetic testing, echocardiograms, surgical consultations to name a few, there are also the hidden costs of side effects. Each new side effect (and I've experienced several during this process) has brought with it a hidden cost.

There's expensive lotion/ointment I had to buy to counteract the effects of skin sloughing off the bottom of  my feet. This ointment had to be applied to my feet, generously two to three times every day for about 6 weeks until they healed. I went through 5 large tubs of this ointment during that process. It worked, but it was expensive. 

There are a lot of  expensive foods and supplements I've bought along the way as I was instructed to try them in order to stimulate my appetite and in the search for something I could keep down as I was rapidly losing weight. Some worked and some didn't. Some worked temporarily and then they didn't work anymore, and I had to move on to something else. 

There are wigs and hats and new clothes. Most of the clothes I wore when I first started this process do not fit me any longer. Too many are the hidden monetary costs of side effects that come with cancer and chemo to name them all here. 

Cancer is expensive physically: Either the disease is tearing down your body or the cure is. Spent is definitely a good word for how it makes you feel. 

Cancer is expensive emotionally: Between what the physical exhaustion does to your emotions and the amount of emotional energy it takes to make myriad decisions very quickly never knowing if you're making exactly the right one, the cost is high.

Cancer is expensive time wise: Everything takes longer with cancer (and chemo). It takes longer to walk up the stairs. It takes longer to get dressed in the morning. It takes longer to make a decision, and the list goes on.

Cancer is expensive on friendships and family relationships: I think it is probably fair to say that in some ways it is harder to have a front row seat to a family member or friend with cancer than it is being the one with cancer. It is hard to watch others suffer and not know exactly what to do. 

I agree with my friend. Cancer is expensive, but everything has some cost to it. I wouldn't have signed up for cancer (and certainly not chemo). I'm grateful for all it is teaching me along the way such as the goodness of God and the kindness and compassion of people in the middle of suffering. It has cost a lot but it has paid out greatly too. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day -Taxol #6)

Today was chemo day. I had Taxol infusion #6. I'm at the halfway point now, 6 down, 6 more to go. That is reason to celebrate. 

Each week before I meet with a provider or have the infusion, they draw labs. If the labs are not at the right levels, then they won't do the infusion. I have not had to skip an infusion yet because of low lab levels, but it has been borderline on neutrophils and hemoglobin for the past three weeks, including today. By the grace of God, I have been able to continue each week. 

The infusion went off without any issue, and I was told that I don't have to take the pre-infusion steroids next week. That was a relief since they bring quite a few side effects with them each time that I deal with for a few days afterward. I won't miss that. 

Though chemo infusion days are easier, the side effects still rear its ugly head about two days after the treatment. I usually get pretty sick and weak on Friday and Saturday each week, and I'm pretty exhausted by Sunday. Prayer for strength and endurance during those days would be much appreciated. 

This time around, Greg suggested that during the time I have to wear the ice packs on my hands and feet (and put ice chips in my mouth) that I also wear my winter coat. That was very good advice and made the time much more tolerable. I lasted a good 45 minutes this time before shivering and fidgeting uncontrollably. That is a record. And I thank God for it (and for Greg),

God continues to sustain me through this chemo process and teaches me so much about His faithfulness. I am grateful. 

I've included a few pictures below from today's appointment's.

 

Cancer Musings (Chemo day-Taxol #5)

Today was my 5th chemo session with Taxol. 5 down 7 to go. I'm happy to report it was pretty uneventful as chemo days go. I didn't have to meet with a provider today, and that shaved about an hour off the time. No reactions. I was able to take less pre-med steroids, so that made it a little more comfortable and allowed me to sleep a little more the night before. I also ate more food this week, including protein, than I've eaten for several weeks, so I felt a little stronger going into it. I am grateful to God for the good day.  

When I first thought about doing the process of chemo, I knew nothing about it, but I knew it was a big chunk of time sitting in a room. I thought," I'll bring my computer and do a little writing or catch up on emails". A few people gave me puzzle books to do to pass the time. Two things I have learned since those early naïve days: 1. Everyone's journey with cancer is different, and everyone's treatment plan is a little different even if you have the exact same diagnosis as someone else. 2. There's not a lot of free time during the chemo process (at least not in my story). 

For me, there's always nurses coming in and out of the room, monitoring me, asking questions, manually infusing a drug into me with a syringe for several minutes at a time. With both drugs, I've needed to put ice chips in my mouth continually during the infusions to prevent mouth sores. And with this latest drug, I wear ice packs on my  hands and feet for a little over an hour (to prevent neuropathy), so doing something with my hands is ruled out. It's a little more like working a part-time job than an opportunity to kill time. Mostly, I just watch Food Network. We don't have Food Network at home, so I do enjoy that opportunity. I love to cook, and I enjoy learning new information about cooking. Even during this time when I can't eat much (or cook much either) it doesn't bother me to watch other people eat (or cook). 

The chemo process is much more difficult than I thought it would be, but God is sustaining me through it. He is providing me with so much kindness along the way directly from His hand and through other people. He is also increasing my compassion for others. In the future, when someone tells me they have been diagnosed with cancer and they will have to start chemo, my prayers will be different and my actions will be different following that statement. I will be more engaged. 

I've included a few pictures below from today's treatment. 

Cancer Musings (Church)

Today I was able to go to church, and it was so sweet to be with God's people and the church congregation that I love. I have missed being at church during this cancer journey. I started out this journey thinking I would be able to do everything the same way I was already doing it. I came to the quick realization that it was not the case. All my energy is given to getting through the week. I work a full-time job during the week. I go to bed pretty early every night. And I go to chemo and manage side effects with the time and energy that isn't given to the first two things. By the time I get to the weekend, I'm spent. I sleep a lot on the weekends. I've learned, at the most, I can manage one activity on the weekend that involves leaving the house. Sometimes it's a trip to a store (though mostly the men of the house are running all the errands for me) or maybe a trip to a restaurant if it's a good eating day for me. It takes a lot of energy for me to walk around right now or to stand for any length of time. 

Last Sunday, I got up and got ready for church. I really wanted to be there. It had been several weeks since I had been there. By the time I got dressed and made my way toward the door, I had to sit in the living room and rest for several minutes. At that point, I burst into tears because I knew I couldn't do it. Papa-Larry recognized what was happening and patted my hand and said, "This isn't going to last forever. Now, why don't you go take off your wig and put your hat back on, and you can watch it online." So, that's what I did. (Side note: Wearing a wig is exhausting, not glamorous). 

This weekend, I made up my mind to spend Saturday at home and rest up for the next day, so I could go to church. By the grace of God, I was able to do just that. This time I skipped the wig and went straight on two-pom-pom winter hat. (Who I am kidding anyway, they already know I don't have any hair right now). 

I'm grateful to God that our church has the option to watch the service online, and many Sundays I utilize that option, but it is no substitute for being in God's house with God's people. I couldn't stand for very long and singing exhausted me more than I thought it would, but I didn't let that stop me because it was so good to be there. I'm thankful to God for the opportunity He gave me to be there today. It was lovely.

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day-Taxol #4)

Today was chemo day and my fourth round of Taxol. I met with the oncologist this time around. Since I've been tolerating the infusions without reaction now, she's going to lessen the amount of pre-meds I take beforehand. That is a relief because every extra med brings it's own unique side effects. The less of those the better. 

Today's appointment was changed to Tuesday instead of Wednesday so I could meet with the oncologist. This made things slightly complicated for my work schedule, as I run a virtual meeting every Tuesday that is hard to reschedule and hard to delegate. I had very early morning appointments this time around.  By the grace of God, I met with the oncologist, had labs drawn, sat through the infusion and ice packs routine, and was able to get home with 15 minutes to spare before the meeting started. 

Working full time while going through the chemo process has been a challenge, but God is sustaining me through it. Some days I go into the office and some days I work from home if the schedule allows it. But, all of the days I feel the effect of it on my body and mind, and I pray through the whole day for strength and grace. 

Greg has been a constant companion and help to me with my appointments, and I thank God for him. As usual, I posted a picture below of the two of us at today's appointment. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day-Taxol #3)

Today was chemo day and my third round of the Taxol. With a lot of pre-meds, I'm able to continue to tolerate the Taxol infusion over one hour instead of two. It was pretty uneventful this time around, just the way we like it. 

The side effects are definitely lighter on this drug than the last one, but they are ever changing. Eating continues to an issue for me. With this drug, I can't taste much, and I can't smell anything, and my appetite is down. I can get the food down; I just don't enjoy it. But that's progress nonetheless, and I'll take it. 

One change in today's treatment is that it was my first appointment without Greg in attendance, as he had to go out of town for work this week. Usually Greg travels a lot more this time of year, so we're grateful to God he has been able to attend all of the appointments up to this point. Papa-Larry took Greg's place as my chemo partner (and driver) this week. We trained him in on ice pack duty and he handled it like a pro. 

Side Note: It's a pretty big cooler we haul back and forth to treatments each week. We bring extra ice packs in case the infusion time ends up going longer than expected and we have to switch them out. I always joke with Greg that people probably think he's carrying an organ transplant in his cooler. I have noticed some suspicious on lookers in the elevator.  

Cancer Musings (You Got This)

I have mentioned here before that God sends me a continuous stream of family, friends, church family, coworkers, and even strangers to encourage me along this cancer journey. I'm continually amazed at how each encouraging word, card, meal, hug, story, etc. comes at just the right time and in just the right way. I take it all as encouragement with the heart in which it was intended. I'm grateful for it, and it's very helpful to me.

The comment I probably hear the most is "You got this!" Again, I understand the sentiment behind this comment, and I am extremely appreciative of it. But, I will say this, if cancer has taught me anything it is that I do not have this. I have never been so aware of my fragility or of the fact that I do not sustain my own life. I can barely walk the length of the kitchen floor (not a big kitchen) without sitting down to rest. When I get dressed in the morning, I put on my pants and then I have to lay on the bed for a few minutes to rest before I can put on anything else. That process continues with each article of clothing I put on. I fear leaving something in my car when I get to work because I don't think I'll have the energy to walk back out and get it. These are all things I did effortlessly just a couple months ago and never gave it a second thought. 

I do not have this, but God does. He faithfully reminds me of this in all the encouraging people he puts in my path, in the many times he gets me through a day when I don't think I'm going to make it, and in bringing Scripture to my mind that reminds me of this truth. A Scripture passage that I memorized shortly after my parents moved in with us while we were caregiving for my mom has come back to me in this current journey. I used to wake up in the middle of the night during those days, anxious about the future. When that happened, I would quote these Bible verses to myself over and over until the anxiety went away or I fell asleep."  You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever for the LORD God is an everlasting rock". Isaiah 26:3-4

God has this, and he can be trusted. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Appt-Part 2)

I had the chemo appointment this morning, and the Taxol infusion was done. They had given me some oral pre-meds to take and they infused some oral pre-meds plus extra Benadryl before the Taxol. Because of this, I was able to tolerate the infusion over the one-hour period of time instead of two hours. And they feel I'll be able to do this in the future now. This is an answer to prayers. It's difficult for me to sit with ice on my hands and feet for two hours, plus put ice chips in my mouth the whole time. I get so cold, even though they provide me with warm blankets. One hour was still very cold for me today but much more tolerable. Thank you for all your prayers. 

Since I didn't have any extra appointments today, we arrived for the infusion at 8:00 am and walked out at 10:30, the shortest appointment I've had to date. Praise be to God!

Two down, ten more to go (but who's counting?) So far, the side effects on this new drug have been tolerable, and I've regained some of my appetite and taste. Every day is a new day and this something that builds on itself, but I'm so grateful to God for the easier days and the lighter side effects while they are here. Here is go good to provide me with not just bad days but the good days as well. 

I've included a couple pictures from today's appointment below. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Appt-Part 1)

Today was to be the second infusion of Taxol, but alas due to another scheduling issue, I did not receive the Taxol today. The appointments were scheduled for the afternoon this time around, so I went to work in the morning because I was leading a meeting and needed to be there if it all passible. I was called this morning at work and told I could keep the appointments today for the lab work and the appointment with my oncology provider but because of the reaction to the Taxol last week and the need to infuse that drug over two hours instead of one hour (three hours altogether with the pre-meds they infuse beforehand), my infusion appointment was starting too late in the day and there would not be enough time to infuse it properly. They rescheduled my infusion appointment to tomorrow morning at 8:00 am. I was disappointed as this is a lot of maneuvering of work schedules (mine and Greg's) and expenditure of extra energy that is in short supply these days. The oncology team and the infusion team have been amazing through this whole journey, but the scheduling process continues to be a work in progress. 

I was able to have the labs and oncology appointment today, which went well and will make for a shorter day tomorrow barring any unforeseen reactions or complications.

We still took our customary appointment picture today as seen below. Stay tuned for tomorrow's report.

Cancer Musings (New Drug/Taxol)

Today was the long awaited start of the new chemo drug, Taxol. The last course of drugs (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) were infused every other week, four treatments, over the course of two months. This new m  drug, Taxol, will be infused every week over three months. The side effects of the last course of drugs were brutal, so it is with a bit of apprehension that I started this new course. 

The day started a bit rocky as twice it looked like I would not be able to start the drug. When I met with the oncology team, my feet were examined, and it was recognized that I was still dealing with side effects from the last drug, which included skin peeling off the bottom of my feet (I have spared you all the picture of that, you're welcome). The concern was that this new drug carries the possibility of neuropathy and could damage my feet further. In the end, it was decided to continue with the new drug with some heavy precautions of daily maintenance I need to do for my feet and things to look out for and call about if they get worse. 

With that, we were off to start the infusion. It turns out, this drug has a high reaction rate, and I was heavily cautioned to be on the alert for any sign of reaction. I did react to the drug almost immediately after it entered my system. It was very similar to the reaction I had the very first day I received the first drug, only not quite as severe this time. It was caught very early. I did turn bright red, and my blood pressure shot up, and I was lightheaded, but the nurse quickly got that under control. The drug was stopped right away, my blood pressures were monitored for about an hour, and the oncology team was consulted to decide if the infusion would continue or not. In the end, it was decided that the drug was being infused too fast It was going to happen over one hour. Instead, they decided to infuse it over two hours and see how I tolerated it. 

I did tolerate the slower infusion, but it made for a pretty uncomfortable two hours. One of the possible side effects of this drug is neuropathy. To counteract that side effect, I was asked to keep ice packs on my hands and feet for the entire infusion. This meant two hours of icing instead of one hour. I was also instructed to keep ice in my mouth for the entire time to counteract the side effect of mouth sores. It made for a very chilly two hours. Nothing says "Happy Valentine's Day" like two hours with your sweetheart, shivering. Greg was really great, though. He bought me special ice packs for my hands and feet, brought them with us and carried them around in a cooler. He even helped me get them on and offered his assistance with getting the ice chips in my mouth, as I was wearing mitten ice packs, and they are a bit tricky to maneuver with a spoon. 

I will end with this statement. In all of this God is good and God is faithful. We are grateful for all the care He has provided to us in the middle of suffering. And we are grateful for the many friends, family, church friends, medical staff, and even strangers He has brought in our lives to support us along the way. 

The mask requirement is back at clinics due to an increase in COVID. We wore our Valentine masks.

Greg even got me pink ice packs for my feet and hands. 

Cancer Musings (Next Round of Chemo)

Today I was supposed to start the next round of a new chemo drug (Taxol), but we ended up waiting a week on it. I came down with a cold over a week ago, and between the chemo side effects that have kept me from eating and the effects of a cold on an already immune-compromised body, it has rendered me pretty weak. 

I did have the appointments today and the lab work. It was discovered that my potassium was pretty low this time around. So, instead of starting the new drug this week, I was given IV fluids and potassium. Greg has been working in Arizona for the past week and flew back for the start of the new drug, which didn't happen, but it was so good to have him here anyway. I was very grateful for it. I was the one who made the decision not to go ahead with the Taxol this week, as I wasn't sure I could handle what was already going on in my body and the new side effects that will come with a new drug. I decided to give myself a week to get a little stronger. 

On an upside this week, my first appointment of the day was an ultrasound, which they did to measure the size of the tumor and to see if it has shrunk with the first round of chemo. Praise be to God! It has shrunk considerably, and the process seems to be working. I am grateful. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Session #4)

Today was my final session of chemo on this current drug regimen (Adriamycin & Cytoxan), which has been an every-two-week regimen. I'll have two weeks off and then I'll start a new drug (Taxol), which will be a weekly infusion. 

Because of the side effects I had with my feet this last time around, the oncology team decided to lessen this last dose just a bit, so that I could be in a healthier place when starting the next drug. Also, my labs today came back as being low in potassium, so they added a potassium infusion to today's regimen. This addition also added about an hour and half to the process, so it made for a long day, but it all went off without complication. 

Goodbye Adriamycin (nicknamed the Red Devil for it's red color and nasty side effects). I will not miss you. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Side Effects)

Until I experienced chemo for myself, I thought that the side effects were all the same, and I thought that everyone's experience was generally the same. Chemo for me was this nebulous word that we all think we know upon hearing it but really lack a definition for it. I didn't realize that there are several different types of chemo drugs, and the reactions and side effects will differ depending on the drug you receive. The side effects I hear most about from chemo patients are nausea, vomiting, and extreme fatigue. To date, those are not the side effects I've experienced with this first round of chemo drugs. I haven't experienced much nausea, and I've had a surprising amount of energy (though I certainly get tired quicker in the evenings than I used to). I have had a pretty severe loss of appetite, and that has been challenging. The other surprise with chemo side effects is that what you experience this week may not be what you experience next week even though the drug is the same. This time around (third course of every-two week chemo) I started getting extreme tenderness and soreness on the bottom of my feet. It was so severe that it made walking very difficult for me. I worked from home for a few days to avoid walking as much as I could. On the weekend, I crawled around the house so that my feet would not touch the floor because that lessened the pain. Of the side effects I imagined would be part of chemo treatment, the inability to walk did not even make the list. 

As new side effects pop up, I fight the urge to be fearful of what could come next. I fight the urge to be afraid to eat because the experience is so unpleasant. I am constantly counseling my head with the Word of God and practicing the command to "Fear Not". Here are some of the verses I use to do just that. 

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"

Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

I am grateful God is with me every step of the way on this journey and I do not need to be afraid (not even of chemo side effects). 

Cancer Musings (A Surprise Gift)

This afternoon, I was weary from a long week of new chemo side effects that took me by surprise, so I took a long nap to try to recuperate a little strength. While I was sleeping I received a surprise gift delivered to our doorstep. It was from a friend that I've known since I was about 14 years old. I started babysitting her three boys when I was that age and babysat them through the age of 19, some evenings, some weekends, and all through the summers. Her boys, of course, are adults now with families of their own. I have remained in touch with this friend and her husband throughout the years. Though, we've seen each other very little throughout the years, we have always exchanged Christmas cards (for 30+ years now). It is from this year's Christmas card and letter that she would have received the news that I have breast cancer. 

So, I was surprised when I awoke from my nap today to hear Papa-Larry say that  this friend (Toni) had dropped off a package for me. She has never been to my house before, so this was very unexpected. She just dropped off the package with a sweet card and was on her way. The card read like this: "I made this quilt for you. I hope it brings you joy, warmth, & comfort for your journey that is in front of you."

It's beautiful! Four of the squares contain Bible verses, all perfectly appropriate for just the kind of gift that it is. 

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." 

Nehemiah 8:10 "The joy of the Lord is your strength."

Psalm 41:10 "Do not fear for I am with you."

Psalm 16:11 "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. 

Again, I am grateful to God for the longtime friends, new friends, strangers, coworkers, family, and church family He has put in my path to encourage me throughout this journey. I am amazed at the kindness being shown in myriad ways.

Cancer Musings (So Happy)

I've eaten very little food in the past 7 days because of the side effects of the last chemo treatment. Food tastes horrible to me and makes me gag, and I have very little appetite for it. Usually by this point, though, I'm exhausted with the whole experience and start getting pretty emotional. Today, it felt like I was turning the corner and might be able to eat something, so I asked to be taken to a buffet style restaurant so that I could try a few things out without the pressure of ordering a whole meal. 

I was sitting in the restaurant with my husband and my dad, and I was able to eat some chicken, mashed potatoes, and fruit. Suddenly, I was overcome with emotion and I burst into tears. Rightfully so, my husband looked at me with great confusion, and I said, "I'm just so happy I can eat something." He smiled and assured me he was happy for me too. Papa-Larry was sitting across the table from me, and when he saw my face covered in tears, he was obviously confused too. He looked at Greg who explained to him that I was just so happy I could eat. His reaction was the same as Greg's. He said he was happy too. 

The three of us have really been a team in this cancer experience. They see me and support me at my lowest moments. And they are there to support me in the smallest victories like being able to eat some food. I'm grateful to God for them, and I'm grateful to God for how He is sustaining me through it all.

Cancer Musings (The Kindest Men)

 Our immediate household consists of three people: Me, my husband, Greg, and my Papa-Larry (commonly called a dad). Papa-Larry has lived with us for 8 years now. He and Mama-Clara moved in when she needed some extra assistance with the activities of daily life as her health failed her. Mama has been in heaven now for 4 years, and Papa-Larry has remained a vital part of our household/immediate family. 

You would be hard pressed to convince me that I could share a home with two kinder men than these. They are actually pretty similar in personality, logical, quiet, very Norwegian, men of few words. In most crowds I'm considered quiet and reserved by nature, but when compared to these two at home I'm often considered the raucous and dramatic one (as I have been reminded of from time to time). 

If you're looking for grand and loud gestures, whooping and hooraying with daily events that happen (such as a great story from your day that feels like it should have some kind of standing ovation), you will be disappointed. But if you're looking for loving, steady, even, and faithful, these are the guys. In the grand scheme of things, I'll take the latter. I would not trade them. And I'm grateful to God for them. 

Cancer Musings (Thank you for this food)

In our household, it has always been our habit to pray and thank God before we eat a meal. We do this for many reasons. We do this because we are grateful to God and we want to express that gratitude. We do this because everything we have comes from God and we don't want to forget it. We do this because it is a natural time in our day when we pause, and we want to use that as a meaningful moment. We do this because we love God and we want to express that to Him. And ... we do this to thank God for the food he has provided for us. 

Since chemo has started for me, thanking God for food has taken on new meaning in my life. I have had difficulty eating during this first cycle of chemo drugs (which is scheduled to last two months). I have little appetite and nothing tastes good to me. Sometimes I gag on the food I eat because it tastes so bad. So far, I've had about 6-8 days per chemo cycle where I can eat very little, and what I am able to eat takes great effort. 

I am finding greater significance in thanking God for the food I can eat because I am truly grateful for it. I have more recognition that food is not just enjoyed because it tastes good (and God is so good to give us food that tastes good-He didn't have to do that), but food is also enjoyed because it nourishes our body and we need it. It gives us strength. 

I have started to form a new habit during these days. I still thank God for the food I am about to eat. And there are many days, I thank God after I am able to eat food because I am so grateful for that provision. It is teaching me not to take the blessings and provisions of God for granted. 

Some Time With A Niece

This weekend, our 13-year-old niece, Allison, came over on Friday night, spent the night with us and then the day with us on Saturday. When we picked her up on Friday, we went out to Pizza Ranch for dinner, one of her favorite places. Allison and I have always bonded over the dessert pizza there. We both like the same kind, the blueberry pizza and the chocolate chip cookie pizza. We like to say about the chocolate chip cookie pizza, "It doesn't look that great, but it tastes amazing". We feel the appearance of this "pizza" helps to keep out the riff-raff who do not really know how good it is, and we're fine with that. 

Unfortunately, since chemo started, I can't eat chocolate (though I continually try to persevere in this endeavor with no success). It tastes awful to me at this time. I take a small bite and end up spitting it out every time. I wasn't able to eat much at all at our visit to PR this time around, just a little mashed potatoes and gravy and a glass of milk. I tried a bit of both dessert pizzas but just couldn't do it. Allison ate an extra piece of the cookie pizza in my honor, and I enjoyed watching her enjoy it. 

One of the things that Allison and I do together is have our own little book club. Allison is a veracious reader, and I really like to read too, so this is a common bond we have. Currently, we've been reading through some of the books in the the Geoff & Janet Benge Christian Heroes Then and Now series. Our current read is Amy Carmichael (Rescuer of Precious Gems) We had a few delays in getting together to discuss this one, so Allison read the book three times by the time we got together this weekend. She really liked this one. Amy Carmichael was born in Ireland and later became a missionary in India in the late 1800's through early 1900's. She established an orphanage there and rescued and raised many orphan girls. Allison and I enjoyed discussing this one together. And I enjoyed seeing her enthusiasm for it. 

I've shared in other posts that Allison and I share a passion for the Operation Christian Child ministry through Samaritan's Purse. We spend time in November preparing shoeboxes filled with gifts that are sent all around the world to children who need them. And through these boxes, the opportunity is also given to tell them about Jesus.

So that we can pack a larger volume of boxes with quality items, I shop clearance sales all year long and store the items away until they are needed. I save up some money for the end of the year, and I do a bulk of shopping during the after-Christmas sales. Walgreens is a particularly helpful resource in this regard as they quickly reduce the price of the toys they had available for Christmas because they want to move on to Valentine's Day (literally, the Valentine candy started getting stocked on the shelves on December 26). 

Allison then comes over and helps unpackage and untag the items and categorize it into containers. She seems to love the job, and she's super helpful to me. 

In between the unpackaging she got creative with the packaging and started building her own structure. 

Over the years, I found with teenagers that if you keep their hands busy in a project and direct eye contact doesn't have to be made, a lot of conversation takes place. So, Allison and I played music (we listened to a lot of Lauren Daigle that day--and Allison knew most of the songs) and we talked about lots of different things. We had an enjoyable time together. 

Because I haven't had much of an appetite lately, I haven't baked much  either, which is unusual around here. Allison kindly made us some brownies and some sugar cookies, and she did a great job. 

As always, Allison and I had a very nice time together, and I look forward to when she's able to come over again. 

Cancer Musings (The Surprise Basket)

I've had much kindness shown to me in the short time I've been walking this cancer road. Kindness from strangers. Kindness from friends. Kindness from family. Kindness from coworkers. Kindness from medical staff. It all means so much to me, and none of the acts of kindness outrank another. Each is special and significant in its own way. And each is appreciated beyond what I can express in words. In a unique category among acts of kindness are the acts of kindness that come from those who have walked a similar road. I've had people pour into me advice about chemo, what to expect and how to manage it, advice about what to eat when I don't want to eat anything, advice about how to protect my immune system as it's being diminished day by day. 

Today, as I was standing in my kitchen, I noticed two friends from church walking up the driveway with a large basket in hand. Their interaction with me was very brief and very kind. They said they just wanted to drop off the basket to me and let me know they are praying for me. 

Deb has been walking her own chemo road, so the basket was filled with items that are unique to the challenges that come with chemo (such as a mouthwash/rinse specifically for mouth sores, mints, ginger chews, ginger tea, lip balm - because your lips never stop being dry, and warm socks)

Besides being practical, the basket is beautiful!

It contained a small plaque (which is now sitting near my bedside) that says "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Psalm 143:8. 

And there was a journal and a small coloring book and colored pencils. The coloring book contains 365 promises from God's Word. 

I was touched by the beauty and practicality of this gift and touched by the kindness shown to me by God through His people. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Session #3)

 Today was my third session of chemo with the current drug regimen. All went well. Nothing eventful, just the way we like it. I can see the changes in me from the first time I started showing up at the Cancer Institute until now. Looking a little more like a cancer patient every day. 

When I first found out I would lose my hair, I announced very quickly that I wanted to find a pink hat with pom poms on both sides, and that would be my favorite hat to go to appointments with and wear around the house. It arrived in the mail last week, and I loved it at first sight. If you got to wear a hat, it should be cute and fun, I say. 

I took this picture because it is quintessential Greg. He is the most curious guy I know. He likes to know how things work and why, so he observes his surroundings carefully. Consequently, he's often the one with answers when we walk away from a new experience because he was paying attention. 

Now, his wife is more likely to say something like: "What bag hanging on a pole?"

Not nearly as observant, is she. 

Cancer Musings (The Wig)

 Today was the first day back at work after a Christmas break, and it was time to bring out the wig. 

I was pretty nervous about it at first, but it went well. Everyone was very kind. 

My favorite reactions were from the men. They went like this:

Men: "Did you do something different with your hair?" 

Me: Yes

Men: "Looks good". 

Me: Thank you. 

Short, sweet, and uncomplicated. Just the way I like it. 

God has been giving me grace for every moment of this journey. He gives me just what I need at just the moment I need it. And often He uses the very kind and thoughtful people in my life to deliver that grace.