Cancer Musings (Chemo Session #4)

Today was my final session of chemo on this current drug regimen (Adriamycin & Cytoxan), which has been an every-two-week regimen. I'll have two weeks off and then I'll start a new drug (Taxol), which will be a weekly infusion. 

Because of the side effects I had with my feet this last time around, the oncology team decided to lessen this last dose just a bit, so that I could be in a healthier place when starting the next drug. Also, my labs today came back as being low in potassium, so they added a potassium infusion to today's regimen. This addition also added about an hour and half to the process, so it made for a long day, but it all went off without complication. 

Goodbye Adriamycin (nicknamed the Red Devil for it's red color and nasty side effects). I will not miss you. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Side Effects)

Until I experienced chemo for myself, I thought that the side effects were all the same, and I thought that everyone's experience was generally the same. Chemo for me was this nebulous word that we all think we know upon hearing it but really lack a definition for it. I didn't realize that there are several different types of chemo drugs, and the reactions and side effects will differ depending on the drug you receive. The side effects I hear most about from chemo patients are nausea, vomiting, and extreme fatigue. To date, those are not the side effects I've experienced with this first round of chemo drugs. I haven't experienced much nausea, and I've had a surprising amount of energy (though I certainly get tired quicker in the evenings than I used to). I have had a pretty severe loss of appetite, and that has been challenging. The other surprise with chemo side effects is that what you experience this week may not be what you experience next week even though the drug is the same. This time around (third course of every-two week chemo) I started getting extreme tenderness and soreness on the bottom of my feet. It was so severe that it made walking very difficult for me. I worked from home for a few days to avoid walking as much as I could. On the weekend, I crawled around the house so that my feet would not touch the floor because that lessened the pain. Of the side effects I imagined would be part of chemo treatment, the inability to walk did not even make the list. 

As new side effects pop up, I fight the urge to be fearful of what could come next. I fight the urge to be afraid to eat because the experience is so unpleasant. I am constantly counseling my head with the Word of God and practicing the command to "Fear Not". Here are some of the verses I use to do just that. 

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?"

Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

I am grateful God is with me every step of the way on this journey and I do not need to be afraid (not even of chemo side effects). 

Cancer Musings (A Surprise Gift)

This afternoon, I was weary from a long week of new chemo side effects that took me by surprise, so I took a long nap to try to recuperate a little strength. While I was sleeping I received a surprise gift delivered to our doorstep. It was from a friend that I've known since I was about 14 years old. I started babysitting her three boys when I was that age and babysat them through the age of 19, some evenings, some weekends, and all through the summers. Her boys, of course, are adults now with families of their own. I have remained in touch with this friend and her husband throughout the years. Though, we've seen each other very little throughout the years, we have always exchanged Christmas cards (for 30+ years now). It is from this year's Christmas card and letter that she would have received the news that I have breast cancer. 

So, I was surprised when I awoke from my nap today to hear Papa-Larry say that  this friend (Toni) had dropped off a package for me. She has never been to my house before, so this was very unexpected. She just dropped off the package with a sweet card and was on her way. The card read like this: "I made this quilt for you. I hope it brings you joy, warmth, & comfort for your journey that is in front of you."

It's beautiful! Four of the squares contain Bible verses, all perfectly appropriate for just the kind of gift that it is. 

Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart." 

Nehemiah 8:10 "The joy of the Lord is your strength."

Psalm 41:10 "Do not fear for I am with you."

Psalm 16:11 "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. 

Again, I am grateful to God for the longtime friends, new friends, strangers, coworkers, family, and church family He has put in my path to encourage me throughout this journey. I am amazed at the kindness being shown in myriad ways.

Cancer Musings (So Happy)

I've eaten very little food in the past 7 days because of the side effects of the last chemo treatment. Food tastes horrible to me and makes me gag, and I have very little appetite for it. Usually by this point, though, I'm exhausted with the whole experience and start getting pretty emotional. Today, it felt like I was turning the corner and might be able to eat something, so I asked to be taken to a buffet style restaurant so that I could try a few things out without the pressure of ordering a whole meal. 

I was sitting in the restaurant with my husband and my dad, and I was able to eat some chicken, mashed potatoes, and fruit. Suddenly, I was overcome with emotion and I burst into tears. Rightfully so, my husband looked at me with great confusion, and I said, "I'm just so happy I can eat something." He smiled and assured me he was happy for me too. Papa-Larry was sitting across the table from me, and when he saw my face covered in tears, he was obviously confused too. He looked at Greg who explained to him that I was just so happy I could eat. His reaction was the same as Greg's. He said he was happy too. 

The three of us have really been a team in this cancer experience. They see me and support me at my lowest moments. And they are there to support me in the smallest victories like being able to eat some food. I'm grateful to God for them, and I'm grateful to God for how He is sustaining me through it all.

Cancer Musings (The Kindest Men)

 Our immediate household consists of three people: Me, my husband, Greg, and my Papa-Larry (commonly called a dad). Papa-Larry has lived with us for 8 years now. He and Mama-Clara moved in when she needed some extra assistance with the activities of daily life as her health failed her. Mama has been in heaven now for 4 years, and Papa-Larry has remained a vital part of our household/immediate family. 

You would be hard pressed to convince me that I could share a home with two kinder men than these. They are actually pretty similar in personality, logical, quiet, very Norwegian, men of few words. In most crowds I'm considered quiet and reserved by nature, but when compared to these two at home I'm often considered the raucous and dramatic one (as I have been reminded of from time to time). 

If you're looking for grand and loud gestures, whooping and hooraying with daily events that happen (such as a great story from your day that feels like it should have some kind of standing ovation), you will be disappointed. But if you're looking for loving, steady, even, and faithful, these are the guys. In the grand scheme of things, I'll take the latter. I would not trade them. And I'm grateful to God for them. 

Cancer Musings (Thank you for this food)

In our household, it has always been our habit to pray and thank God before we eat a meal. We do this for many reasons. We do this because we are grateful to God and we want to express that gratitude. We do this because everything we have comes from God and we don't want to forget it. We do this because it is a natural time in our day when we pause, and we want to use that as a meaningful moment. We do this because we love God and we want to express that to Him. And ... we do this to thank God for the food he has provided for us. 

Since chemo has started for me, thanking God for food has taken on new meaning in my life. I have had difficulty eating during this first cycle of chemo drugs (which is scheduled to last two months). I have little appetite and nothing tastes good to me. Sometimes I gag on the food I eat because it tastes so bad. So far, I've had about 6-8 days per chemo cycle where I can eat very little, and what I am able to eat takes great effort. 

I am finding greater significance in thanking God for the food I can eat because I am truly grateful for it. I have more recognition that food is not just enjoyed because it tastes good (and God is so good to give us food that tastes good-He didn't have to do that), but food is also enjoyed because it nourishes our body and we need it. It gives us strength. 

I have started to form a new habit during these days. I still thank God for the food I am about to eat. And there are many days, I thank God after I am able to eat food because I am so grateful for that provision. It is teaching me not to take the blessings and provisions of God for granted. 

Some Time With A Niece

This weekend, our 13-year-old niece, Allison, came over on Friday night, spent the night with us and then the day with us on Saturday. When we picked her up on Friday, we went out to Pizza Ranch for dinner, one of her favorite places. Allison and I have always bonded over the dessert pizza there. We both like the same kind, the blueberry pizza and the chocolate chip cookie pizza. We like to say about the chocolate chip cookie pizza, "It doesn't look that great, but it tastes amazing". We feel the appearance of this "pizza" helps to keep out the riff-raff who do not really know how good it is, and we're fine with that. 

Unfortunately, since chemo started, I can't eat chocolate (though I continually try to persevere in this endeavor with no success). It tastes awful to me at this time. I take a small bite and end up spitting it out every time. I wasn't able to eat much at all at our visit to PR this time around, just a little mashed potatoes and gravy and a glass of milk. I tried a bit of both dessert pizzas but just couldn't do it. Allison ate an extra piece of the cookie pizza in my honor, and I enjoyed watching her enjoy it. 

One of the things that Allison and I do together is have our own little book club. Allison is a veracious reader, and I really like to read too, so this is a common bond we have. Currently, we've been reading through some of the books in the the Geoff & Janet Benge Christian Heroes Then and Now series. Our current read is Amy Carmichael (Rescuer of Precious Gems) We had a few delays in getting together to discuss this one, so Allison read the book three times by the time we got together this weekend. She really liked this one. Amy Carmichael was born in Ireland and later became a missionary in India in the late 1800's through early 1900's. She established an orphanage there and rescued and raised many orphan girls. Allison and I enjoyed discussing this one together. And I enjoyed seeing her enthusiasm for it. 

I've shared in other posts that Allison and I share a passion for the Operation Christian Child ministry through Samaritan's Purse. We spend time in November preparing shoeboxes filled with gifts that are sent all around the world to children who need them. And through these boxes, the opportunity is also given to tell them about Jesus.

So that we can pack a larger volume of boxes with quality items, I shop clearance sales all year long and store the items away until they are needed. I save up some money for the end of the year, and I do a bulk of shopping during the after-Christmas sales. Walgreens is a particularly helpful resource in this regard as they quickly reduce the price of the toys they had available for Christmas because they want to move on to Valentine's Day (literally, the Valentine candy started getting stocked on the shelves on December 26). 

Allison then comes over and helps unpackage and untag the items and categorize it into containers. She seems to love the job, and she's super helpful to me. 

In between the unpackaging she got creative with the packaging and started building her own structure. 

Over the years, I found with teenagers that if you keep their hands busy in a project and direct eye contact doesn't have to be made, a lot of conversation takes place. So, Allison and I played music (we listened to a lot of Lauren Daigle that day--and Allison knew most of the songs) and we talked about lots of different things. We had an enjoyable time together. 

Because I haven't had much of an appetite lately, I haven't baked much  either, which is unusual around here. Allison kindly made us some brownies and some sugar cookies, and she did a great job. 

As always, Allison and I had a very nice time together, and I look forward to when she's able to come over again. 

Cancer Musings (The Surprise Basket)

I've had much kindness shown to me in the short time I've been walking this cancer road. Kindness from strangers. Kindness from friends. Kindness from family. Kindness from coworkers. Kindness from medical staff. It all means so much to me, and none of the acts of kindness outrank another. Each is special and significant in its own way. And each is appreciated beyond what I can express in words. In a unique category among acts of kindness are the acts of kindness that come from those who have walked a similar road. I've had people pour into me advice about chemo, what to expect and how to manage it, advice about what to eat when I don't want to eat anything, advice about how to protect my immune system as it's being diminished day by day. 

Today, as I was standing in my kitchen, I noticed two friends from church walking up the driveway with a large basket in hand. Their interaction with me was very brief and very kind. They said they just wanted to drop off the basket to me and let me know they are praying for me. 

Deb has been walking her own chemo road, so the basket was filled with items that are unique to the challenges that come with chemo (such as a mouthwash/rinse specifically for mouth sores, mints, ginger chews, ginger tea, lip balm - because your lips never stop being dry, and warm socks)

Besides being practical, the basket is beautiful!

It contained a small plaque (which is now sitting near my bedside) that says "Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Psalm 143:8. 

And there was a journal and a small coloring book and colored pencils. The coloring book contains 365 promises from God's Word. 

I was touched by the beauty and practicality of this gift and touched by the kindness shown to me by God through His people. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Session #3)

 Today was my third session of chemo with the current drug regimen. All went well. Nothing eventful, just the way we like it. I can see the changes in me from the first time I started showing up at the Cancer Institute until now. Looking a little more like a cancer patient every day. 

When I first found out I would lose my hair, I announced very quickly that I wanted to find a pink hat with pom poms on both sides, and that would be my favorite hat to go to appointments with and wear around the house. It arrived in the mail last week, and I loved it at first sight. If you got to wear a hat, it should be cute and fun, I say. 

I took this picture because it is quintessential Greg. He is the most curious guy I know. He likes to know how things work and why, so he observes his surroundings carefully. Consequently, he's often the one with answers when we walk away from a new experience because he was paying attention. 

Now, his wife is more likely to say something like: "What bag hanging on a pole?"

Not nearly as observant, is she. 

Cancer Musings (The Wig)

 Today was the first day back at work after a Christmas break, and it was time to bring out the wig. 

I was pretty nervous about it at first, but it went well. Everyone was very kind. 

My favorite reactions were from the men. They went like this:

Men: "Did you do something different with your hair?" 

Me: Yes

Men: "Looks good". 

Me: Thank you. 

Short, sweet, and uncomplicated. Just the way I like it. 

God has been giving me grace for every moment of this journey. He gives me just what I need at just the moment I need it. And often He uses the very kind and thoughtful people in my life to deliver that grace.