Cancer Musings (Bye Bye Hair)

Well, with the chemo process, I knew this day would come, and it has arrived. My hair has left my head. It started coming out in clumps of strands last week, but this weekend, it has come out in handfuls. I've lost enough hair this weekend to fully clothe a long-haired chihuahua. 

Last week, the first few lost strands left me crying in the bathroom in my husband's arms a couple times. But, that prepared me for the eventuality of it. God has given me grace for each moment of this process. No tears this weekend. As each day of this weekend rapidly produced less and less hair on my head I had to make a new plan for how I would wear it or cover it that day. I do find the timing of it amusing as today is the last day of the year, and most of the hair is gone now. Out with the old, and in with the new as they say. 

Cancer Musings (Flowers)

There are a few hobbies I like to do. Cooking is probably my favorite among them. I love to cook (and bake). I started learning to cook when I was 9 years old and took a "Junior Chef" class in summer school. I was hooked and began honing that skill from that day until now. Most recently, though, cooking is not something I'm able to enjoy in the same way. Due to the chemo side effects, I'm not able to taste or smell the food I make right now without becoming ill, so it has taken a little of the joy out of it for me. I miss it very much. I really miss baking too. Cooking and baking relax me, so I'm also missing that outlet. 

Another hobby of mine that few people know about is flower arranging. I love flowers in general. I think they are some of the most beautiful things that God created. My favorite flowers to arrange are cheap ones. I see the potential there, and I love to see what they can become. I also enjoy finding out-of-the-ordinary containers to make the arrangements in. 

Recently, I made a flower arrangement for a friend for Christmas. And for our anniversary, Greg let me pick out some flower bouquets at Costco because he knew I would love to arrange them. He was right. As I was arranging those flowers, I realized this was a creative outlet and a relaxation that I've been allowed to enjoy in the absence of cooking. I'm so grateful to God that He provided this little gift to me at just the time I needed it. I had a blast doing it too. 

Cancer Musings (Our Anniversary)

Due to a scheduling mix up, my chemo session this time around was moved from December 27  to  December 28 at the last minute. December 28 just happens to be our wedding anniversary. We are celebrating 29 years of marriage together. We are so grateful to God for it. We've spent our anniversaries many different ways over the years, but in the hospital getting chemo is definitely a first. I told Greg we would take pictures together on any other anniversary, so why not this one?

Cancer Musings (Christmas)

Christmas celebrations were a little rougher for me this year as I was still experiencing heavy chemo side effects. The  metal taste in my mouth lasted through Christmas Eve. I couldn't smell or taste most food without getting queasy. The only food I could eat was steel-cut oatmeal. 

We were blessed in so many ways by our family this year. On Greg's side of the family, when we had our Christmas celebration just a few days before Christmas, my sister-in-law made oatmeal for me as part of the meal, which was very touching. 

On my side of the family, we were hosting on Christmas day, which was very challenging for me since I couldn't smell the food correctly or taste-test it. I made a ham and ribs, and my niece made and brought all of the side dishes for the meal. I felt so blessed by this kindness and it lifted a burden from me. 

Even though the Christmas celebration was a little different for me. Christmas had not changed. It remained as it always had. I wrote the following message in our Christmas letter this year, and I think it's worth repeating here. 

Christmas for us is not about the presents or the family or the cookies or the concerts or the warm and fuzzy feelings. We enjoy all of those things and consider them great blessings from God, but our joy and our hope this Christmas season is in Jesus Christ (God and man in the flesh) who came to this world so many years ago to be born as a human, live a sinless life, die a painful death, and be raised from the dead so that he may offer life and forgiveness of sins to all mankind. It is the reason the angel of the Lord said to the shepherds (Luke 2:10-11) “…I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” We are resting in that truth this Christmas season and pray that you are too.

Cancer Musings (The Longest Day)

As I was preparing to start the process for ongoing chemotherapy, my oncologist advised me that I should take the first three days off of work (the day of chemo and the following two days) because those first few days could be rough and I could be very tired. That is what I did. My first chemo session was on a Wednesday, so I took Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday off that week plus I would have the weekend to continue recuperation. Other than a few small and manageable side effects from the anti-nausea drugs and steroid I was on following the the chemo, I felt pretty good. I was eating well. I was sleeping well, and I had energy to tackle a few projects. I was even having moments of feeling like I was playing hooky from work because I felt okay. Those feelings continued through the weekend and I went into Monday morning feeling ready to tackle the new work week. Part way through the day, however, I started to experience a taste of metal in my mouth that overpowered anything I ate. It affected my smell as well. Everything tasted and smelled horrible. 

Which brings me to Tuesday morning. Tuesday was a big meeting day for me at work. We had some manager training offsite in the early morning. Then we returned to the workplace to continue our internal meetings. At that next meeting I was leading the agenda and discussion on it. I had even suggested and organized a salad potluck lunch for us since we would be in meetings most of the day. The following night I had made an apple crisp to bring to the meeting. I had to force myself through that process. The apples tasted horrible to me. The smell of it baking was horrible to me. I made my husband taste test it in the morning so I could have a little peace of mind that I was not bringing something disgusting with me to share with a large group of people. He assured me it tasted good. The only thing I could eat without it producing a horrible taste was oatmeal. I ate nothing at the potluck meal because I just couldn't. I drank water, a lot of water, and I thankfully I could do that without issue. 

Besides the issue of not being able to eat, my concentration was affected by the side effects of chemo. I had to work three times as hard as usual to concentrate, to process the information that was being said to me, and to perform tasks that required even the smallest amount of skill. That day, by far, felt like the longest work day of my life. I felt every second of it and had to exert extreme effort for every second of it. 

Two things got me through that day and they are: 1. Prayer 2. The kindness of my coworkers. 

I prayed all the way through that day. I prayed that God would help me concentrate and process information. I prayed that I would have the strength to finish the day. Too many are the prayers I prayed that day to recount here. And, as always, God was faithful and answered my prayers along the way. I felt a definite understanding throughout that day of what the Psalmist said in Psalm 46:1. "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." 

I also experienced so much kindness and compassion from my coworkers that day. Most of them knew that I had my first chemo session the week before, and they were empathetic. I was so grateful God has given me such a beautiful group of people to work with and alongside. 

By the grace of God, I made it through the day. 

Cancer Musings (The Hair Plan)

As I've mentioned before, I was told at my first appointment with the oncologist that I will lose my hair through the process of chemo. I can see myself wearing hats around the house or when out running errands as a head covering solution when this happens, but for work and other public events, I know I will want a wig. The thought of figuring out how to go about this and where to start that process has been overwhelming to me, so my solution for the time being has been to do nothing and pretend it won't actually happen for just a little bit longer. My good friend, Kim, knows me well and knew this would have been my default plan. So, she took it upon herself to go on a reconnaissance mission for me. She knew of a salon in the area that had a sign out front advertising that they carried wigs. The day I had my port surgically placed at the hospital, Kim was with me. The salon she knew about was near the hospital, so she stopped in there on her way home and checked them out. She told my story to the staff person she was introduced to and asked about wigs. She was thoroughly impressed with the salon that day and the staff she had met. She told me about it and encouraged me (but didn't pressure me) to consider making an appointment there. I called and made the appointment, and I was just as impressed with the staff on the phone as she had been with them in person. I spoke with Julie, and she remembered Kim and remembered my story. She asked me a few details about what my hair was like now and what I might be looking for so she could pull a few things for me ahead of time. I made the appointment for today, which is just two days after my first chemo session, and I was told I would likely start to lose my hair after the second session (two weeks from now), so the timing is right for getting this detail taken care of. 

Kim and I met at the cute little salon together. We met Julie, who couldn't have been sweeter or kinder to us. She offered us a couple bottles of water and took us downstairs to the "wig room" where we would start the trying on session. 

Julie had picked out three wigs for me based on the information on the phone. We started with those first with the option to try on others as I would like.

I was given a quick tutorial on how to put on a wig and then the trying on commenced. 

#1 - Hmmm? Maaybee?

#2 - Uh, No.

#3 - Ding, Ding, Ding. We have ourselves a winner. 

Yep. I chose #3. I didn't try on any others. I am a simple woman. 

It doesn't take me long to make a decision. 

Does this choice look exactly like the hairstyle I wear now? No. 

Does it look like it fits my face and like something I would wear? I think so. 

Do I like it? Yes. 

Is it something I can live with and wear with confidence? Absolutely.

So, I purchased this wig and walked out with the wig, a styrofoam mannequin head, and some wig hair care products (yep, that's a thing I guess). I was pretty happy with the decision. 

A few additional pieces of information about wigs:

• I chose to shop for and buy a synthetic hair wig. They are cheaper and pretty realistic looking these days. Synthetic hair wigs range from $100 - $500+. This particular wig I purchased today was on a closeout sale, so I got a good deal on it, which thrilled my little frugal heart. 
• I was encouraged by a few people to consider a real-hair wig because they are realistic looking, last longer than a synthetic wig, and can be styled with heat products. They also range in price from $1,000-$4,000+. That is just not an investment my little frugal heart is willing to make. If I'm going to spend that amount of money, I would rather have a few new pieces of living room furniture, quite frankly.
• A synthetic wig lasts about 6-9 months and has to be washed just like your hair does (Who knew? But, it makes sense). A real-hair wig lasts 2-5 years, which is way longer than I'm hoping to need it. 

In conclusion: I'm happy with today's decision, and I'm so grateful to God for my friend, Kim, and her faithfulness in standing by me in all aspects of life. I'm also grateful to God for the kindness of Julie and this beautiful little salon that met a very present need in my life right now. My mind is a little bit more at ease going into the days ahead. 

Cancer Musings (First Chemo Session)

Today was the much anticipated first session of chemo treatments. If you're like me, you've heard people talk about "chemotherapy" most of your life. And I always thought I knew what that meant. But unless you've experienced it with a loved one or you've experienced it for yourself, it's hard to understand exactly what is meant by "she's getting chemo". I also thought of it as one general treatment "she's getting the chemo" like "she's getting the Tylenol". And I thought everyone who gets chemo loses their hair or is nauseous all the time or is tired all the time. What I'm discovering is its really about the drugs that are infused into your body. And that concoction of "chemo" drugs is decided by your oncology team based on the kind of cancer you have, how aggressive it is, and what they are trying to accomplish with the treatment. 

Because of the kind of breast cancer I have (triple negative), because it can be aggressive and spread, and because it is hormone-negative (can't be treated with anything but chemo drugs) the course set for me by my oncology team is a little on the intense side. They're not playing around.

So, we showed up for our "chemo" appointment this morning unsure what to expect exactly. It's really three appointments I had. First, is the appointment to have labs drawn, as they will be checking all sorts of levels in my body and comparing them as treatment continues over the next few months. I had a port surgically placed in my chest a couple weeks ago, which allows them to draw my blood through it and infuse the chemo drugs through it. An hour before we arrived at the appointment, I was instructed to place a large blob of Lidocaine cream over the port site and cover it with plastic wrap, so it would numb the site for when the needle was placed into it. 

The next appointment was to meet with the nurse practitioner on my oncology team who went over the labs with me, explained after care, and answered any questions that I had. 

The next appointment was where I actually had the chemo drugs infused into my body through an IV line hooked up to the port. That one was the longest appointment of the day, scheduled for 2-1/2 hours. The nursing staff couldn't have been kinder to me. They got me set up and explained the drugs that they would be infusing. Several drugs were going to be infused. The plan was first an anti-nausea drug, then another anti-nausea drug, a steroid, and two heavy-hitter chemo drugs after that. They told me if at anytime I felt like I was having a reaction or things didn't feel right to let them know immediately. The first drug went off without a hitch, but within 10 seconds of receiving the second anti-nausea drug, I could tell something was wrong. The only words I could articulate were, "I'm feeling a rush here." I was wearing a bright red sweater today, and I was told by my husband and the nursing staff that I immediately turned the same color as that sweater. Also, my blood pressure skyrocketed (I was never told exactly how high the blood pressure got, but I could tell that the nursing staff was concerned). On my end, internally it felt like my head and body were going to explode. The nursing staff quickly moved into action. The main nurse helping me that day had anticipated all the reactions that could happen for each drug and had antidotes, if you will, lined up on the counter for each one. The drug was immediately stopped and IV Benadryl was given to me. It took awhile to get the blood pressure to come down, so the process was paused for about an hour while the reaction was being addressed. I remember that I needed to answer questions through the process, but thinking and responding was incredibly difficult for me. It took immense effort to think and talk. After the reaction was under control, the nurse looked at me and said, "You will never receive that drug again. This will now go in your file as you are allergic to this drug". I was relieved by this piece of news. Now, they were ready to continue infusing the rest of the drugs. Since I had the Benadryl in my system, I pretty much slept through the rest of the infusions and no other reactions arose. We ended up leaving there about two hours later than we thought we would, but I was feeling okay again by that time. 

I remember praying intensely to God during the time of the reaction. And I remember praying for the ability to answer questions going forward because I was finding it impossible to do it on my own. I'm so grateful to God that He met me where I was in that moment and helped me. And I'm grateful to Him that He placed such capable medical staff in my path during this experience. God is faithful, and I am grateful. 

Cancer Musings (The Nutritionist)

I mentioned in a previous post that my cancer diagnosis came out of an effort to update some of my health appointments and address any issues that came up. I knew that my bloodwork had been coming back as "high cholesterol" for a few years. When the subject came up with my new primary care provider, she asked me if the bloodwork came back high again if I would be willing to go on a medication or if I wanted to manage it with dietary changes. At that point, I was not on any medications, so I didn't want to add one if I didn't have to. I told her I would like to manage it with dietary changes and weight loss and asked her if she would refer me to a nutritionist. She happily did so. 

I had my first appointment with the nutritionist on October 12, which was weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer. She suggested I try to add two stalks of celery a day to my diet, increase my fruits and vegetables intake, and gave me a plan for how to add fiber to the smoothie I was usually eating for breakfast each day. They all sounded like reasonable suggestions to me, so I embraced the advice and implemented it. By the time I saw her again six weeks later, I had lost 10 pounds. I had also been diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer about two weeks prior to my second appointment with her, and she was on it. 

Before that second appointment, my nutritionist had reviewed my recent history and had a plan in place to help me navigate through the cancer diagnosis nutritionally. She suggested an anti-inflammatory diet consisting of many fruits and vegetables. She also suggested a book to me called the The Cancer Fighting Kitchen . It is filled with recipes but also advice on how to navigate through cancer and chemo and all the side effects that accompany it. It's been a great resource. I embraced it immediately, and my dad drove around all over town while I was at work gathering some of the funky ingredients (like kombu, leeks, and Japanese sweet potatoes) that I needed to make some of the recipes. Miracle Mineral Broth, anyone? My freezer is stalked with recipes now, and I'm ready to weather the storm. 

But my favorite part of that second visit that reminded me of my favorite B.B. Warfield quote (In the infinite wisdom of the Lord of all the earth, each event falls with exact precision into its proper place in the unfolding of His divine plan ...) came at the very end of the visit. Just before the nutritionist ended the visit, and almost as an afterthought, she asked me, "Your diagnosis is Triple Negative Breast Cancer, right?" I said, "Yes". She then said, "I did my thesis paper in school on Triple Negative Breast Cancer and the effects of nutrition on it". 

I said it before and I'll say it again, I marvel at the good God I serve and the presence of His hand and tender care all the way through this cancer diagnosis. 

Cancer Musings (The Anniversary Trip)

I marvel at God's timing in everything. His plans and His timing are always better than mine, though I may not realize that initially. Greg and I will celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary on the 28th of this month. We usually take the week after Christmas off of work and plan a trip of some sort for our anniversary, sometimes a big trip, sometimes just a day trip. This year, we decided in October (before a cancer diagnosis was in existence) that we would use up our airline miles credit from our canceled Disney trip in March of 2020 (we all remember what was happening in the world at that time) and take a short trip in December. The credit was set to expire at the end of this year. Of course, it will make sense to everyone that we chose beautiful, sunny Aurora, Illinois (in December) as our exotic location to visit. I had been wanting to go to the Operation Christmas Child processing center there and work a shift processing shoeboxes that will be sent to other countries all around the world. Greg is a good sport about such things but his personality is a little more suited to dropping me off at the processing center for a shift and driving around Illinois playing Ingris, a GPS-based game that he loves and is way over my head. Since, we were working around the schedule of the OPCC processing center, the trip was scheduled a little earlier in the month than our anniversary. With the decision made, we booked two First Class tickets to Chicago (our credit was enough to be extravagant) where we would rent a car and drive the 45 minutes to Aurora December 5-7. 

We had a great time! As I mentioned above, God's timing is perfect and He knew things we didn't know. I mentioned in a previous post that I had made a very quick decision to get my hair cut on a Monday evening. What I did not mention was that it was the night before we left on our trip. I was still dealing with a little regret from that decision, so it was nice for me to leave town right away and process that decision and work it out amongst strangers. As I boarded the plane and as we drove around Illinois and met various people, no one knew my hair had been 7 inches longer the day before, and no one cared, which was exactly what I needed. No one knew I was diagnosed with cancer and would be starting chemo in a week. The anonymity gave me a chance to relax and process things for myself.  

Operation Christmas Child Processing Center

The boxes we processed that day were being sent to South America. We processed over 20,000 boxes in the 4-hour shift that I was there. I was on the inspection line, my favorite part. I got to go through the boxes and make sure they didn't have any liquids or food packed in them and remove those items if found. It's a fun job because you get a lot of ideas on how to (and not to) pack your own boxes in the future. 

Since our wedding anniversary is so close to Christmas, a tradition on our anniversary trips has always been to drive around and look at the Christmas light displays. This trip was earlier than usual, but we still managed to find several displays up and running. 

Who doesn't love a big teddy bear just sitting at the top of the steps of a public building in the downtown square? It just begs "take your picture with me".

We are very grateful for this short trip away and we enjoyed it immensely. 

Cancer Musings (The Haircut)

When I had my first appointment with the oncologist, she was completely up front with me about the fact that I was going to lose my hair during the chemo process. She said there are measures that could be taken (cold capping), but even with those measures women who are given the particular drug I'll be receiving still lose their hair. I appreciated her candor because it allowed me to accept that reality quickly. Most of my life, I've had collar or shoulder length hair, and I've been perfectly happy with that. But, there is a difference between making the decision on how long your hair is for yourself and having it made for you. In a last ditch effort to pretend I had some control over the circumstances, I decided that tonight I would get my hair (which had grown longer in recent years and now was a few inches past my shoulders) cut into a shorter style. This was without a doubt a decision that was made with my emotions and not my head. 

Before I could talk myself out of it, I put myself on a waiting list and pulled into a local "cut and go" type salon. When I checked in, I realized I had not put myself on the waiting list for this particular location but for one across town. Even so, the receptionist said "Katie" could cut my hair as soon as she wrapped up with her current customer. I still had time to back out, but I forged ahead emotions blazing. When Katie came to take me back to her chair, she was sporting a crew-cut type hair style and had an emotionless look on her face. I still forged ahead. I explained to Katie that I wanted to get my hair cut into a shoulder-length bob hairstyle and I explained to her my reasoning for doing it, cancer and all. Katie's face was deadpan. She proceeded to cut my hair. And I quickly realized that neither Katie nor I had the emotional maturity to suggest that we start the cut with half of what I asked to be cut off and then take it up from there if I decided to do so. Quickly, I found myself staring at my image in the mirror with 7 inches of hair missing from one side of my head. Panic and regret immediately set in. Katie looked at me in that moment and I vocalized that the change was more shocking than I expected. That is when I saw Katie's face soften and she gently said to me, "Would you like me to save some of this hair for you and put it in a bag?" I shook my head yes, and she went about discretely looking for something to put the hair into for me. 

Though I made a completely irrational and emotional decision tonight, God redeemed the situation in my short interaction with Katie. Her compassion for me in a moment that neither one of us wanted to experience overwhelmed me and comforted me. May God bless Katie for the kindness she showed. 

Cancer Musings (Best Christmas Present Ever)

My husband, Greg, and I have had a longstanding disagreement about a particular piece of furniture for the entire length of our marriage. It is the chaise lounge. I like them. Greg does not. I have always wanted one. Greg has not. He has held firm in this stance for 28+ years (despite my insertions from time to time that I would love to have one). He has stood firm that is ... until today. He surprised me the night before last on the way home from a family gathering by saying he would like to get me a chaise lounge for Christmas this year. I gave it the customary two-and-a-half-seconds of contemplation before blurting out an enthusiastic I'LL TAKE IT! It turns out he had spent yesterday afternoon driving from furniture store to furniture store looking for chaise lounges. Today he brought me to those stores (and a few more) and let me pick out the one I wanted it. I was so excited! But I was also extremely touched by the gesture. I am a big reader and journaler and had a small chair and footstool in the corner of our bedroom where I did such things. With the recent diagnosis of cancer and the upcoming ongoing chemo treatments, Greg wanted me to have a place where I could truly relax and recuperate. He even went the extra mile and installed a light above the chair that I can control by an app from my phone. 

I said it before. I 'll say it again. Best Christmas Present Ever! So grateful. 

Cancer Musings (The News)

In the infinite wisdom of the Lord of all the earth, each event falls with exact precision into its proper place in the unfolding of His divine plan. Nothing, however small, however strange, occurs without His ordering, or without its particular fitness for its place in the working out of His purpose; and the end of all shall be the manifestation of His glory, and the accumulation of His praise. --B.B. Warfield

Those who know me well, know that the above quote is one of my favorites and it is referred to often by me. You may have even noticed that it is on the sidebar of this blog. It is not scripture from the Bible, but in my opinion, it is a pretty good summation of myriad scripture verses describing the sovereignty of God. Which brings me to my next story. 

This fall, I set my mind to getting all the checkups and tests done that may have been neglected in the fallout of a global pandemic. The first on my list was to establish care with a primary care physician since my provider retired a couple years back. While I was on a roll, I decided to make all the appointments. Schedule physical exam, check. Schedule mammogram, check. Schedule dentist appointment, check. Cholesterol is high? Ask for a referral to a nutritionist, check. 

What I did not know at the time, but God did, was that the mammogram would lead to an ultrasound, which would lead to a biopsy, which would lead to a phone call from a nurse stating "I'm calling with the results from your biopsy, and unfortunately, it's breast cancer." That was in early November, and it set off a new series of appointments and tests. New things to schedule. Appointment with the surgeon, check. Appointment for an MRI, check. Appointment for genetic counseling, check. Another biopsy, check. Appointment with the oncologist, check. 

Through this series of events, I learned that I was diagnosed with a kind of breast cancer called Triple Negative breast cancer (TNBC). It was caught very early on a routine screening mammogram. It is small, and it is stage 1. Because it is classified as Triple Negative it is of a rarer form than other breast cancers (affecting only 10-15% of those diagnosed with breast cancer). Meaning, this type of cancer is hormone negative, not made of estrogen, progesterone, or HER2 and cannot be treated with targeted medications toward one of those "receptors". This leaves chemotherapy as the only treatment option. A good tool, but the only tool in the toolshed in this case. Because of that, chemo will be started first and surgeries will come later. And the chemo treatments will be a bit on the intense side. 

I trust God and the plan He has for me in this journey. I'll be writing about it in the days, weeks, and months ahead. Stay tuned. God is at work.