Cancer Musings (Good Friday & Easter)

For me personally and for our household, the Easter holiday is all about recognizing and honoring the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ . We consider it the most significant event(s) in history and the basis of our Christian faith. With that in mind, I set out with a very specific purpose for this weekend: Operation Conserve Energy. It was my goal (and my prayer) to stay as rested as possible so I could make it to the Good Friday and Easter services at our church this weekend. The reason I chose the church services is because it is the place I knew these events would be most recognized and focused on. I set aside any ideas of hosting a family gathering or attending a family gathering because I knew ahead of time I would not have the strength and energy for more than one extra event in a day.

God answered my prayers. I was able to attend the somber, poignant, and thought-provoking Good Friday service. This year our church did a Tenebrae service, meaning the lights progressively dimmed after each reading and song until the service ended in darkness and we walked out in silence. This was to symbolize the darkness of Jesus' death and describe the darkness that came over the land on that day as described in Matthew 27:45 "Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour.."

This morning I was able to attend the celebratory Easter service where we honored the resurrection of Jesus from the dead with light, color, joyous song, and reading God's Word. 

It was so good to be at both services, and I thank God for the opportunity. I can truly say I appreciated it more this year than I have in the past because this year it became precious to me all over again. 

" He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise." Luke 24:6-7

" We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God." Romans 6:9-10

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #7)

Today was my 7th treatment of Taxol. I'm over the hump now. Only 5 left to go. Usually I have a couple good days right before I have chemo again, but this time around, there were no good days. I was sick the whole way through and had a very hard time eating all week (but I did eat). No upswing this time around. By the time I got to this morning, I was pretty weak and hoping when they drew labs they wouldn't let me do chemo this week. But my labs came back fine with the exception of slightly low potassium, which was not enough to keep me from going through with the treatment. 

The oncology team gave me some easy solutions to increase my potassium through diet and supplements, which I feel confident will allow me to regain some strength and feel a little better. By the grace of God, the pre-meds they gave me before the Taxol infusion today allowed me to regain some strength and tolerate the med. I was even able to eat lunch afterward. I feel better this evening than I've felt this week so far. 

When I saw the oncologist last week, she told me I'm at the point in the treatments where I'm going to have to "dig deep" to get through it because the weariness sets in and the side effects continue. I'm finding that to be true, so I'm digging deeper into prayer and reliance on God and His faithfulness. The prayers of others are also a huge help to me at this time, and I thank you all who are praying and for the many kindnesses I've been shown in this journey.

Cancer Musings (Cancer Is Expensive)

Shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the wheels of the process were already moving (fast), I was speaking with a friend at church who is living with leukemia. I just had a port placed in my chest a few days before that. The port is meant to help with the chemo process. The lab draws and the infusions of chemo drugs are accessed with a needle inserted directly into the port site. This spares the patient from being poked in the arm every time and it spares the stress put on the veins. My friend told me the cost of the port without insurance picking up a good-sized chunk of it. The price was astronomical. She made a statement that I have come back to many, many times in my mind since then. She said quite emphatically, "Cancer is expensive!" I have found that to be very true. Cancer is expensive in many ways and I'll elaborate on a few of the ways I've discovered along this journey so far. 

Cancer is expensive financially: Besides the many, many medical bills that come in during this process for chemo treatments, doctor visits, mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, genetic testing, echocardiograms, surgical consultations to name a few, there are also the hidden costs of side effects. Each new side effect (and I've experienced several during this process) has brought with it a hidden cost.

There's expensive lotion/ointment I had to buy to counteract the effects of skin sloughing off the bottom of  my feet. This ointment had to be applied to my feet, generously two to three times every day for about 6 weeks until they healed. I went through 5 large tubs of this ointment during that process. It worked, but it was expensive. 

There are a lot of  expensive foods and supplements I've bought along the way as I was instructed to try them in order to stimulate my appetite and in the search for something I could keep down as I was rapidly losing weight. Some worked and some didn't. Some worked temporarily and then they didn't work anymore, and I had to move on to something else. 

There are wigs and hats and new clothes. Most of the clothes I wore when I first started this process do not fit me any longer. Too many are the hidden monetary costs of side effects that come with cancer and chemo to name them all here. 

Cancer is expensive physically: Either the disease is tearing down your body or the cure is. Spent is definitely a good word for how it makes you feel. 

Cancer is expensive emotionally: Between what the physical exhaustion does to your emotions and the amount of emotional energy it takes to make myriad decisions very quickly never knowing if you're making exactly the right one, the cost is high.

Cancer is expensive time wise: Everything takes longer with cancer (and chemo). It takes longer to walk up the stairs. It takes longer to get dressed in the morning. It takes longer to make a decision, and the list goes on.

Cancer is expensive on friendships and family relationships: I think it is probably fair to say that in some ways it is harder to have a front row seat to a family member or friend with cancer than it is being the one with cancer. It is hard to watch others suffer and not know exactly what to do. 

I agree with my friend. Cancer is expensive, but everything has some cost to it. I wouldn't have signed up for cancer (and certainly not chemo). I'm grateful for all it is teaching me along the way such as the goodness of God and the kindness and compassion of people in the middle of suffering. It has cost a lot but it has paid out greatly too. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day -Taxol #6)

Today was chemo day. I had Taxol infusion #6. I'm at the halfway point now, 6 down, 6 more to go. That is reason to celebrate. 

Each week before I meet with a provider or have the infusion, they draw labs. If the labs are not at the right levels, then they won't do the infusion. I have not had to skip an infusion yet because of low lab levels, but it has been borderline on neutrophils and hemoglobin for the past three weeks, including today. By the grace of God, I have been able to continue each week. 

The infusion went off without any issue, and I was told that I don't have to take the pre-infusion steroids next week. That was a relief since they bring quite a few side effects with them each time that I deal with for a few days afterward. I won't miss that. 

Though chemo infusion days are easier, the side effects still rear its ugly head about two days after the treatment. I usually get pretty sick and weak on Friday and Saturday each week, and I'm pretty exhausted by Sunday. Prayer for strength and endurance during those days would be much appreciated. 

This time around, Greg suggested that during the time I have to wear the ice packs on my hands and feet (and put ice chips in my mouth) that I also wear my winter coat. That was very good advice and made the time much more tolerable. I lasted a good 45 minutes this time before shivering and fidgeting uncontrollably. That is a record. And I thank God for it (and for Greg),

God continues to sustain me through this chemo process and teaches me so much about His faithfulness. I am grateful. 

I've included a few pictures below from today's appointment's.

 

Cancer Musings (Chemo day-Taxol #5)

Today was my 5th chemo session with Taxol. 5 down 7 to go. I'm happy to report it was pretty uneventful as chemo days go. I didn't have to meet with a provider today, and that shaved about an hour off the time. No reactions. I was able to take less pre-med steroids, so that made it a little more comfortable and allowed me to sleep a little more the night before. I also ate more food this week, including protein, than I've eaten for several weeks, so I felt a little stronger going into it. I am grateful to God for the good day.  

When I first thought about doing the process of chemo, I knew nothing about it, but I knew it was a big chunk of time sitting in a room. I thought," I'll bring my computer and do a little writing or catch up on emails". A few people gave me puzzle books to do to pass the time. Two things I have learned since those early naïve days: 1. Everyone's journey with cancer is different, and everyone's treatment plan is a little different even if you have the exact same diagnosis as someone else. 2. There's not a lot of free time during the chemo process (at least not in my story). 

For me, there's always nurses coming in and out of the room, monitoring me, asking questions, manually infusing a drug into me with a syringe for several minutes at a time. With both drugs, I've needed to put ice chips in my mouth continually during the infusions to prevent mouth sores. And with this latest drug, I wear ice packs on my  hands and feet for a little over an hour (to prevent neuropathy), so doing something with my hands is ruled out. It's a little more like working a part-time job than an opportunity to kill time. Mostly, I just watch Food Network. We don't have Food Network at home, so I do enjoy that opportunity. I love to cook, and I enjoy learning new information about cooking. Even during this time when I can't eat much (or cook much either) it doesn't bother me to watch other people eat (or cook). 

The chemo process is much more difficult than I thought it would be, but God is sustaining me through it. He is providing me with so much kindness along the way directly from His hand and through other people. He is also increasing my compassion for others. In the future, when someone tells me they have been diagnosed with cancer and they will have to start chemo, my prayers will be different and my actions will be different following that statement. I will be more engaged. 

I've included a few pictures below from today's treatment. 

Cancer Musings (Church)

Today I was able to go to church, and it was so sweet to be with God's people and the church congregation that I love. I have missed being at church during this cancer journey. I started out this journey thinking I would be able to do everything the same way I was already doing it. I came to the quick realization that it was not the case. All my energy is given to getting through the week. I work a full-time job during the week. I go to bed pretty early every night. And I go to chemo and manage side effects with the time and energy that isn't given to the first two things. By the time I get to the weekend, I'm spent. I sleep a lot on the weekends. I've learned, at the most, I can manage one activity on the weekend that involves leaving the house. Sometimes it's a trip to a store (though mostly the men of the house are running all the errands for me) or maybe a trip to a restaurant if it's a good eating day for me. It takes a lot of energy for me to walk around right now or to stand for any length of time. 

Last Sunday, I got up and got ready for church. I really wanted to be there. It had been several weeks since I had been there. By the time I got dressed and made my way toward the door, I had to sit in the living room and rest for several minutes. At that point, I burst into tears because I knew I couldn't do it. Papa-Larry recognized what was happening and patted my hand and said, "This isn't going to last forever. Now, why don't you go take off your wig and put your hat back on, and you can watch it online." So, that's what I did. (Side note: Wearing a wig is exhausting, not glamorous). 

This weekend, I made up my mind to spend Saturday at home and rest up for the next day, so I could go to church. By the grace of God, I was able to do just that. This time I skipped the wig and went straight on two-pom-pom winter hat. (Who I am kidding anyway, they already know I don't have any hair right now). 

I'm grateful to God that our church has the option to watch the service online, and many Sundays I utilize that option, but it is no substitute for being in God's house with God's people. I couldn't stand for very long and singing exhausted me more than I thought it would, but I didn't let that stop me because it was so good to be there. I'm thankful to God for the opportunity He gave me to be there today. It was lovely.

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day-Taxol #4)

Today was chemo day and my fourth round of Taxol. I met with the oncologist this time around. Since I've been tolerating the infusions without reaction now, she's going to lessen the amount of pre-meds I take beforehand. That is a relief because every extra med brings it's own unique side effects. The less of those the better. 

Today's appointment was changed to Tuesday instead of Wednesday so I could meet with the oncologist. This made things slightly complicated for my work schedule, as I run a virtual meeting every Tuesday that is hard to reschedule and hard to delegate. I had very early morning appointments this time around.  By the grace of God, I met with the oncologist, had labs drawn, sat through the infusion and ice packs routine, and was able to get home with 15 minutes to spare before the meeting started. 

Working full time while going through the chemo process has been a challenge, but God is sustaining me through it. Some days I go into the office and some days I work from home if the schedule allows it. But, all of the days I feel the effect of it on my body and mind, and I pray through the whole day for strength and grace. 

Greg has been a constant companion and help to me with my appointments, and I thank God for him. As usual, I posted a picture below of the two of us at today's appointment.