Cancer Musings (Telling My Head What to Think)

I've found that these days it is best for me to tell my head what to think and not let my thoughts wander to every worry and possible outcome that comes my way through the information overload that is the cancer journey. 

A few ways that I inform my mind with right thinking is by reading the Bible every day and by reading books and listening to music that keep me grounded in who God is. 

I haven't read many new books during this time, but I have returned to classics I've read through the years that are tried and true and always spur me on to right thinking about God and circumstances in the middle of trials and suffering. I've listed three books below that are on that list, and I've shared links to them (by clicking on the title) if you're interested in checking them out further: 

1. Keep a Quiet Heart by Elisabeth Elliot 

• Elisabeth Elliot was a missionary in Ecuador in the early 1950's whose husband was murdered while attempting to make contact with members of the Auca/Waodani tribe. She went on to write many books over the years about suffering, the trustworthiness of God, and the blessing of obedience to Him. Keep a Quiet Heart is one of my favorites, and I've read it several times. It is a collection of essays she wrote in her monthly newsletters over a period of many years. I think the title of the book is aptly named. In it she points readers toward a deeper, more fulfilling, and restful walk with God. 

2. 31 Days of Praise by Ruth Myers

• Ruth Myers and her husband, Warren, wrote this book. It leads the reader through a month of praising God through a prayer everyday highlighting His goodness and thanking him for it. A friend of mine gave me this book in 2009, and I have returned to it many times over the years. My copy is highlighted, underlined, dogeared, and written in. 

3. A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser

• This book was written in 1995 by Jerry Sittser a Christian college professor who lost his wife, mother, and 4-year-old daughter in a tragic car accident on the same day, leaving him to raise his three remaining children (8, 7, and 2 years old) on his own. I first came across this book shortly after my parents moved in with us. A line from this book was quoted in a book I was reading about caregiving at the time and it intrigued me, causing me to purchase the book. 
• The subtitle of the book is "The Soul That Grows Through Loss", and that is really the focus of the book, catastrophic loss. We all experience losses in life in may different ways whether it be through the death of a loved one, a divorce, illness to one's own body, or myriad other ways. How we process and move through loss makes all the difference. This author processes his loss in an honest, raw, and open way while always focusing on God. It's one of the best books I've ever read. I've returned to it many times over the past 8 years. I've read it at least 10 times, and I'm reading it again during this season of cancer. 

One song that has come to my mind continually during this journey is "God Leads Us Along" written by George Young in 1903. It speaks to the many different seasons of life that God leads us through and stays with us through. It also speaks to the fact that we don't all experience the same trials and hardships or the same joys and pleasures, but we come to salvation in Christ the same way, only through His shed blood on the cross. The words of the song are a comfort to me, and the melody is beautiful. I've listed the words to the verses and chorus below and added a link to the song below that. 

Verse 1: Thru shady green pastures so rich and so sweet, God leads his dear children along

Where the waters' cool flow bathes the weary one's feet, God leads his dear children along

Verse 2: Sometimes on the mount where the sun shines so bright, God leads his dear children along

Sometimes in the valley in the darkest of night, God leads his dear children along

Verse 3:Though sorrows befall us and evils oppose, God leads his dear children along

Thru grace we can conquer, defeat all our foes, God leads his dear children along

Chorus: 

Some thru the waters, some thru the flood

Some thru the fire, but all through the blood

Some thru great sorrows, but God gives a song

In the night season and all the day long

Cancer Musings (Surgery Day)

Today was the long anticipated surgery day. Greg and I arrived at the hospital at 7:00 am. Surgery was scheduled for 9:30. 

All the way through this cancer journey, there have been little surprise pieces of information that you have no choice but to process in real time and move forward or completely shut down the appointment. One of those surprises came this morning. There was this mystery appointment on the schedule this morning, a procedure before the procedure if you will, that was being called a lymph node injection. After they got me prepped and ready for the surgery, they wheeled my bed down to the area where this appointment was taking place, "Nuc Med" as it was called (that should have been my first clue). Right before the tech was about to do the injection, he said, "We're just going to inject a tiny bit of radioactive material into you so that the surgeon can locate the right lymph nodes."  My mind did get stuck on the words "radioactive material" for just a few seconds. That's when my mind processed and moved on. I didn't feel I was in the best position to get up and run down the hall and out the door at that particular moment in time.

After the injection procedure was done and my bed was wheeled back to the room, Greg was brought back there to sit with me until I was taken to surgery. Shortly, after they brought him back, we had a surprise visit from my friend Kim who was able to come back to the room and sit with us until I was taken to surgery, which didn't end up being until after 11:00. It was nice to have her there. She stayed with Greg in the waiting room while I was in surgery too. 

I spoke with the surgeon before the surgery and she said that I had already been through the hardest part, chemo. She said many people don't make it all the way through chemo because it's too tough on their bodies and they aren't able to tolerate it. That's another thing I'm glad I didn't know before this whole journey began.

The surgery went well. They removed the cancerous area and two lymph nodes. We left the hospital by 3:30. I am, of course, sore this evening but the pain is manageable. 

This is the official report from the surgeon to Greg: "The initial pathology results indicate no cancer cells, only scar tissue where the cancer once had been. She is 95% confident that I am cancer free with the initial testing, but they will test every cell removed in order to get a fully confident verdict. So far, it looks good."

I meet with the oncologist on June 19 to go over the pathology report with her and get the final results. If the final results show that there was a complete response to treatment, and the cancer is gone, I will proceed with radiation treatment for 4 weeks. I praise God for the successful surgery and this encouraging initial report. He has been faithful every step of the way, no matter the news from the medical team or the side effects. 

I will be out of work for two weeks now recuperating from the surgery. I am very appreciative of all the prayers and encouragement I have been receiving from family, friends, and coworkers. Thank you all.

Cancer Musings (Post Chemo Update)

Today marks 4 weeks post chemo treatments. The side effects continue to work their way out of my system. My appetite is returning, and I can taste food a little more every day. I still can't smell anything, but someday that will return as well. No hair in sight yet, but of all the side effects and symptoms from chemo, baldness has been the least worrisome and the most manageable. 

Despite my best efforts at icing my hands and feet during chemo treatments, I did get neuropathy (numbness and tingling) in my feet with the very last treatment. It showed up a couple days later along with redness and burning in my calves and swelling in my legs. A high quality lotion and compression stockings (so fun) are managing the last two symptoms. Walking every day for at least a mile or so is helping with the circulation in my feet and allowing me to tolerate the neuropathy.

The physical therapy sessions I've been attending have worked wonders on improving my strength and stamina. And by the grace of God, I'm now able to walk and exercise the same amount I was able to pre-chemo treatments. 

God has been so faithful all along this journey and continues to sustain my body (and my mind). I am grateful. 

Next step: Surgery on June 3. 

Cancer Musings (Nutritionist Follow-Up)

In an earlier post in November, I mentioned that I started seeing a nutritionist for high cholesterol back in early October but after my cancer diagnosis the focus turned toward how to stay healthy during cancer. And this nutritionist has a background in nutrition aimed toward Triple Negative Breast Cancer (my specific diagnosis). Click here to read that earlier post. 

Today I met with the nutritionist for the 5th time. Every visit with her has been very helpful. Since eating has been a struggle every step of the journey through chemo, I've needed all the advice I could get along the way to help me get food into my body. Every time it felt hopeless in my own eyes, the nutritionist would suggest something to try and it would help me get by until the next side effect knocked me down again. There was nothing she suggested that I didn't try at least once. Not all of the suggestions worked for me but many of them did. 

Two suggestions stood out to me along the way: 1. Put a drop or two of bitter tonic (herbal medicine) on my tongue a half hour before I ate a meal to stimulate the appetite. It sounded crazy and it tasted terrible, but it worked  2. Try a protein powder (collagen peptide) that had no taste or texture to it and dissolved clear when stirred into liquid. Many people had suggested protein powder to me before that but every one I found was flavored and I couldn't get it down. Her suggestion worked for me and got me through a couple rough months as one of my main protein sources. 

This time when I met with the nutritionist, she gave me suggestions for how to get more protein and more calories into my body, so I can start gaining back muscle and strength I've lost along the way. 

She has been as crucial a part of my treatment process throughout this whole experience as the oncology team has been. 

I thank God for putting this nutritionist in my path and allowing her to be part of my story. I am amazed at His provision. 

Cancer Musings (No Chemo Day-So Happy)

Today is the first Wednesday in three months that I didn't have to go into the clinic for a chemo infusion, and I am so happy about that. Here's the thing about chemo that most people don't know unless they've experienced it or been close to a loved one who has experienced it. The worst day is usually not the day you have the infusion (unless you have some kind of reaction). That day can be a bit inconvenient and long, but generally I felt okay on that day. Even the day after chemo was usually a pretty good day for me. It's the days that that follow chemo that are difficult days. That's when the side effects kick in. And for me, because I was a bit prone to reactions during the process, they filled me with a lot of extra drugs the day before and the day of chemo to get me through the infusion. Every one of those drugs had their own side effects. So, I spent the rest of the time leading up to the next infusion battling side effects and trying to get my strength back a little so I could do it all over again. 

Today, I do not have to do it all over again. That is a relief, and I'm grateful to God for it. And did I mention, I'm so happy! 

It will probably be awhile before the side effects settle down. I haven't been able to smell anything for three months, which is a very odd experience. Literally, I do not smell anything. And I taste very little, which continues to make eating difficult for me. Oh yeah, and I don't have any hair. Most people don't realize that it's not just the hair on your head that you lose. It is all of your hair. I don't really miss the hair under my arms or the leg hair, but I do miss eyebrows and eyelashes. Eyelashes are not just decorative. They are functional. It's a bit difficult keeping a pair of contact lenses in your eyes without eyelashes. Trust me on this. 

I've heard from my oncology team and several new friends who have gone through similar treatment that it can take 3-6 months for the hair on your head, taste, and smell to return. Encouragingly, I've heard that the eyelashes are the fastest to come back. That's an upside. My contacts will appreciate it. 

There's a bit of road to travel in this journey, but progress has been made. God is good!

Cancer Musings (Physical Therapy)

Though chemo ended last week, my part-time job of attending medical appointments has not ended. A new study has shown that breast cancer patients have benefited from Physical Therapy before surgery to regain strength lost during the chemo process. I was asked if I would be interested in trying that. I'm all about the resources, so I said, "Sign me up". 

I lost a lot of weight during chemo (70 pounds) and consequently, I lost muscle too. I fatigue very easily. My instinct in all of this is to move less and rest more. So, I have been surprised that since I've started attending Physical Therapy (3 sessions so far) that the more I move, the more I can move. It was recommended that I try to take at least three 10-minute walks a day (as well as at least 3 days of some strengthening exercises). That seemed impossible at first. But, the more I do it, the easier it is and the less fatigued I am. I'll have 3 more sessions before the surgery date. 

I'm grateful for all the resources God has provided along this journey, and that He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need and He provides it. 

Cancer Musings (Last Chemo-Taxol #12)

Today was my 12th treatment of the Taxol drug, and my last one in this regimen. No more infusion appointments. I am very grateful for that, and it is worth celebrating. I also celebrate the end of sitting with ice packs on my hands and feet for an hour each time (the ice packs will not be missed). 

The last appointment went very well. No complications at all. The practice at this infusion center is that when you complete your course of chemo, they make a ceremony of ringing a bell. All the infusion staff comes out and they clap for you and cheer as you ring the bell. Three of us got to ring the bell today at different times, as we completed our chemo courses. It was a nice bit of closure for this part of the journey. The infusion staff was so knowledgeable, kind, and compassionate through the whole process. I thank God for them. 

The next step in this process is surgery (lumpectomy) to remove the area where the cancer was found and some lymph nodes. That is scheduled for June 3 (outpatient surgery). A week or so after that, I will meet with the oncologist to discuss the pathology results. If it is a complete response to the chemotherapy (no cancer remains on pathology report), it will be followed with a course of radiation to lessen the chances of its return. If signs of cancer remain on the pathology report, it will be followed with an oral (pill) course of chemotherapy. At this point, there have been two ultrasounds of the area since starting chemo, and the tumor remains undetectable, but they don't know for sure until they biopsy the area at time of surgery. We are trusting the Lord with the outcome and the next steps. Prayers for us to do just that are appreciated. 

I've posted the pictures from today below as well as the video of me ringing the bell. My goal was to get through the end of these chemo sessions wearing my favorite winter hats. Thanks to the cool, rainy weather this week, I was able to pull it off.