Today I had radiation treatment #12. When I entered the room, a tech asked me if I would have time to stay a little longer after the appointment, so they could do some "mapping" for the last few treatments. I told her I had the extra time and I could stay. I always think that further explanation for these mysterious questions will come later. Alas, that does not happen. In my experience, so far, not a lot of explanation is given by the techs for any of the processes that are taking place during the radiation treatments.
I knew from an earlier experience that "mapping" meant I would be told to lie very still, talking would not be encouraged, my arms would be above my head the whole time, marks would be drawn on my body, 2-3 techs would be way closer to bare parts of my body than I would let a stranger come near in any other circumstance, and the doctor would come into the room to examine the work of the techs and give instructions without uttering a single word to me before leaving. Yep. It turns out I remembered that part correctly.
After the "mapping" process I was told that the marks they made on my body would wash off and they would draw new marks on me each time I came in for treatment going forward. Why is the "mapping" changing and why were the new marks drawn? That piece of information was not given to me.
Through this cancer experience so far, I found chemotherapy treatment to be physically difficult and very taxing on my body. But, I have found radiation treatment to be emotionally difficult. I didn't cry after chemo treatments, but I have left radiation treatments in tears at least three times now. I've learned that any appointment with the words "mapping" or "dry run" in them seem to be tear inducing for me. Radiation treatments (for breast cancer anyway) feel very personal and invasive. I often feel more like an object than a person. Though I do understand the need for precision and technicality in this process, and I'm very grateful for it, I also long for compassion and empathy in the form of explanations.
God is teaching me, through this experience, the importance of compassion (both giving it and receiving it). I know I have lacked it towards others in my life, both knowingly and unknowingly. These experiences remind me of the great compassion of God. (But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15). I'm grateful for the reminder of it, and I am grateful that He is with me every step of this journey.
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