Caregiving-She's a Comedian (04/14/2018)

Since chronic urinary tract infections have been such a part of my mom's story for the past 3 years, I find myself in the habit of testing her memory to gauge the situation from time to time. I'm guessing this can be a little on the annoying side when she is feeling well. 

This is how our interaction went this evening at the dinner table. 

Me: "Do you know who I am?"

Mama: "Yeah".

Me: "Who am I"?

Mama: "Well, you're either Robert or John." (those are the names of my two brothers)

Me: "Okay. I see how it is."

Papa-Larry is hearing impaired and didn't catch all of the interaction, so he asked what my mom had said.

Me: "She said she's a Smart Aleck". 

Mama giggled. 

She passed the test. Her memory is sharp tonight and her sense of humor is intact. 

Caregiving-The Lipstick 02/09/2018

 There was a lipstick on the table. When Papa-Larry and I walked out of the room, Mama found it. She still likes to look pretty. The hand might be a little shaky when it comes to applying it, but we think she looks beautiful. She looks like love to us. 

Caregiving-You Start, I'll Chime In (Prayer) 12/03/2017

My mom has always been a prayer partner in every sense of the word. When you pray with her, you do not pray alone. She interrupts and adds to prayers. She confirms and pleads. She boisterously praises and joyfully claps her hands. She sings and recites Scripture. All this happens alongside, in the middle of, and on top of my prayers.

We have this conversation a lot. "Do you want me to start or do you want to start the prayer?" 

"You start. I'll chime in," she says.  And chime in, she does. 

I suppose this would annoy other people. I've learned to find a rhythm and keep going in the midst of the interruptions. It bothered me at one time, but it doesn't bother me any longer. I'm used to it, and now I enjoy it. I know the day will come when I will miss the "chiming in". 

Caregiving-Serving With Joy (11/02/2017)

Not long into this caregiving journey, I made up my mind to carry out my tasks cheerfully. There are times when I don't want to do it. There are times when I'm tired. There are times when there is little cooperation in the process of getting the job done. Those things don't need to make a difference in whether I do the job cheerfully or not. It needs to be done. Being angry and frustrated about it accomplishes nothing productive, so I make the decision to be cheerful in the moment. It's just a few minutes. When the task is done, time marches on, and I can return to whatever task I felt to be important in that moment. I remind myself of this truth often: It is not just about a task. It is about loving another human being, and it's about doing it well. It's about accomplishing the purposes of God for that moment. It's about representing Him well.

Caregiving-Washing Feet (10/26/2017)

Now before the Feast of the Passover, when Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart out of this world to the Father, having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. During supper, when the devil had already put it into the heart of Judas Iscariot, Simon's son, to betray him, Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God, rose from supper. He laid aside his outer garments, and taking a towel, tied it around his waist. Then he poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was wrapped around him. He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus answered him, “If I do not wash you, you have no share with me.” Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, not my feet only but also my hands and my head!” Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean, but not every one of you.” For he knew who was to betray him; that was why he said, “Not all of you are clean.” When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example, that you also should do just as I have done to you. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them. John 13:1-17

In the wee hours of the morning, when I'm alone in the dark with only a nightlight to illuminate the room.  As I'm getting my mom cleaned up from the night, and I sit down on the floor and begin to wash her legs and feet, I think of these verses. And I feel privileged to share in it.

Caregiving-Cheap Entertainment (10/24/2017)

My mom loves audiobooks. We have a bunch of books downloaded to her smart phone, and she listens to them all night long. She can and has listened to the same book over and over again. Her current favorite series is the "Love Comes Softly" series by Janette Oke. It turns out that only 4 of  the 8-book series has been recorded. If the recordings were out there for the other books, my Papa-Larry would have found them by now. He's a relentless resource finder. He leaves no stone unturned. He eventually settled on buying the complete series in paperback form. There has been some thought given to me recording them myself, but the time has not yet been given to that project. For now, I lay on the floor by her bed at night and read a few chapters to her. It was intimidating at first because she is very picky about the narrators she listens to. If she doesn't like the voice, they're done by chapter 2, never to be heard from again. I guess I must have made the cut because she wants me to keep reading. It's a sweet time, really. Elaborate outings of entertainment have been replaced with quiet bedside reading, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I keep reminding myself to "cherish this time while you have it."

Caregiving-Advice From Older Women (Revive 17) 10/09/17

Last weekend, my friend Kim and I were able to get away for a weekend retreat to Indianapolis. We attended the Revive Our Hearts Conference for women in leadership. It's called Revive 17. The theme this year was mentoring.

There were 2,900 women in attendance, a great mix of older and younger women. God allowed me to have two encounters with older women that spoke to me right where I was at the time.

Encounter 1:

The same two women sat next to us through the whole conference. They sought us out on the second day because "they liked our Minnesota accents". We never knew their names. They were friendly yet guarded. At the end of one of the teaching sessions, we were given time to pray with those around us, and we did so. The lady sitting closest to me intensely started telling Kim and I that we should cherish the relationships with our mothers right now. Her mother was gone now. She died with Alzheimer's disease as part of her story. In the end, she did not remember her daughter or know who she was.

She said, "You don't know how long your mothers will be around. Spend time with them now. Forget the past. Enjoy them now. Talk to them." She kept repeating her advice with urgency. I am particularly tender to this kind of advice at the moment, so tears streamed down my face the entire time she spoke. I kept saying "Thank you. We will. Thank you."

I appreciate advice given to me out of the experience of others. It's raw and pure and meaningful. I also realize that nothing happens without the ordering of God. God speaks to us in His Word, He speaks to us in the beauty of the creation that He made, and at times He reaches down and speaks to us directly through the words and experiences of those around us.


Encounter 2:

I was in the bookstore looking at the Bibles. I have a project I'm working on right now and was looking for another journaling Bible. The woman next to me was also looking at the Bibles. We shared a few words about why we were each looking at the Bibles. She had her eye on a large print Bible. It was a nice one. I encouraged her to buy it. We were separated for a time, each looking at products and moving around the room. We found each other again right before we were about to make our purchases. I said, "I see you decided to get the Bible. I'm glad." Then she said words I will always remember:

She said, "Yes. It will probably be the last Bible I ever buy."

I was not expecting those words. It was clear by her reaction that my shock at hearing those words showed on my face.

She said, "It's okay. I just turned 70 years old. I don't think I'll buy another Bible in my lifetime. Then she held my hand in hers and said, "You remember this some day. Remember the woman in the bookstore who isn't afraid to die. Look back and remember this time. You'll be in this spot someday."

I said, "I will. And please write something in that Bible that will mean something to your children, words specifically from you." This referenced a conversation we had earlier about the reason I was making my Bible purchase. She said, "I will."

It was a sweet moment and a short beautiful conversation. I will always remember it.

Caregiving-The Worker Bee (10/18/2017)

My Mama is a hard worker and always has been. Now that she's less mobile in life we've had to redefine "how" she works. Most of her work is done from a chair now, but it's just as significant. She's a big help to us around the house. And she is by far the most cheerful worker in the household. 

Here are some of the activities that fill her days

Picking vegetables in the garden 

Cleaning vegetables 

Buttering bread

Making smoothie bags

Washing the table

Loading the dishwasher

Organizing the containers and lids

Caregiving-This is the day (10/17/2017)

This morning started out with the usual routine, I helped Mama out of bed. We used an assistive device to move her about the room. I helped her clean up and change her clothing.

In the middle of all that, she continually raised her hands and said, "This is the day the LORD has made. Let's rejoice and be glad in it." (from Psalm 118)

After that encounter it's hard to move freely as you please through the rest of your day (on your own two feet) without having a heart of gratitude.

Caregiving-An Unexpected Start (10/16/2017)

Today started out like a typical Monday morning. I got up, got dressed, checked on the parents, drove to work. I commute 25 miles to work each day, which takes 45-60 min with traffic. I was 1 mile from reaching my destination when my phone rang. It was my Dad-Larry. He asked how far along I was in the journey. Because of his hearing impairment, he rarely calls me, so I knew this was not just for the sake of a friendly chat. He then told me that when he was trying to get Mama cleaned up this morning, she slipped out of bed. She isn't strong enough to raise herself up from an kneeling position, and he didn't think he could do it without hurting her or himself. I told him I would turn around. When I arrived back at home, Papa-Larry and I worked to get Mama repositioned and back up to a sitting position. My dad was flustered and my mom was worn out. I decided to stay home and take care of my family today.

We were suspicious the previous Monday that my Mama had a bladder infection, but when we took her in for the test, the results came back negative. No infection. It was clear now that she had an infection, and we needed to do what we could to convince the medical clinic of that. I worked with the nurse at the urologist's office to get another test done. She agreed that she must have an infection, so she was started on an antibiotic until the results came back. We drove to the clinic and got the lab test performed. It did come back later as an infection, and a new medication was started. 

If my memory serves me correctly, this is infection number 18 in the past two years. Each one is different, and each one teaches us about the conditions of our own hearts, the power of love to motivate us beyond what we previously thought ourselves to be capable of, and the faithfulness of God. 

The Slow Decline (10/12/2017)

I've been thinking tonight about how gracious God is, and how tender he has been in the decline of my mom's health. Her body started getting old far sooner than she was ready. It has been at least 10 years now since her body started failing her. She took each change in stride. She started to use a cane to help her walk. Then she started using a walker. Then she stopped driving, voluntarily. This was a huge step. She was always independent and fearless about driving. She would go anywhere. But the day came when she realized she didn't have enough feeling in her feet to drive safely. She didn't want to be a hazard to others on the road, so she just stopped. She let it go. She was brave. She didn't make a big deal about it, even though it was a really big deal. She never looked back. She has handled each change in her health in this same way. She has taken it as it has come, made adjustments, and trusted God with it. 

Caregiving-Isn't There Something They Can Do? (10/12/2017)

My mom has experienced chronic urinary tract infections for the past two years. At last count, there have been18 infections, three of them landing her in the hospital, two them landing her in a short-term care facility for 5 weeks or longer.

We've been given every piece of advice you can think of concerning bladder infections in the elderly. And we've tried most of it, at least once. Advice comes from doctors, nurses, physical therapists, coworkers, family, friends, strangers. Yet, we continue on this journey.

Every time we take her in for another infection, this phrase echoes from those around us "Isn't there something they can do about this?" Sometimes the question comes out of concern for my mom and what she goes through. Sometimes the question comes out of inconvenience being caused to the other person. Sometimes the question comes out of concern for her caregivers. Sometimes the question comes out of disappointment over interrupted plans. Always, the question makes the caregivers feel like they are not doing enough.

Some things in life don't have definitive answers (not to us anyway--God knows the answers and He can be trusted). Some things in life are part of a natural process (in this case, aging). That can be hard to accept in this modern era of instant everything. We don't even ponder questions any longer. If an answer has not been blurted out in less than a minute, then we all reach for some type of electronic device that we can query for a quick answer.

I suggest to you that we might be asking the wrong question. Instead of "Isn't there anything they can do about this?" practical and loving questions would be "What can I do for you and your family that would provide some comfort? What would relieve you in this situation? How can I pray for you?" These questions (followed by action) will relieve the caregivers and the one in pain. These are answerable questions for us.

Caregiving-In My Heart (11/03/2017)

I was working with my mom this morning to get her cleaned up and back in bed before I left for work. As I helped her back into bed and said goodbye to her I said, "Well, you're dry, you've had a drink of water, and you've had a snack. You're good to go."

She said, "And I have the love of Jesus in my heart."

Indeed. Nothing else needed.

Caregiving-Home Health Care Aide 01/31/16

 My 15-year-old niece, Emily, is more than happy to come over to our house and work odd jobs for money. I do believe I am one of her main sources of income (me and her grandparents). She texted me today and said, "Can I come over sometime this week and work?" That's when inspiration hit me. I decided to hire her as a home health care aide. I've been wanting to do some cleaning in the basement for quite some time but I usually need to stay on the main level of the house to care for Mama. I figured Emily could sit with her grandma and color a picture or talk or watch TV with her while I do some work in the basement. We agreed on a mutually satisfactory fee, and she set to work. 

This ended up being a tremendous help to me. I spent two hours in the basement cleaning our bedroom and another hour doing odd jobs around the house while Mama and Emily hung out together and colored pictures. 

We settled up at the end of the evening, and when I was taking Emily home she said, "You just let me know whenever you want me to come over and color with Grandma again."