Cancer Musings (Last Radiation Treatment #20)

Today was my last radiation treatment (20 treatments over 4 weeks). By the grace of God, the side effects of radiation were relatively minor for me. I did not experience the fatigue others reported, and the skin irritation was  minimal. The emotional side effects of radiation treatments were far more difficult for me than the physical ones, which caught me by surprise. 

I will not miss the daily schedule of radiation treatments. It was tricky to balance my work schedule and daily appointments. Even though the treatments only lasted about 10 minutes, the whole process (with drive time) took about two hours out of the day. 

God did provide many blessings for me in the middle of radiation treatments, though. I met new people and shared in their stories, which helped me process my own. My compassion for those experiencing ongoing treatments for any disease has increased. May I never forget what it feels like to have someone enter into suffering with you and may I do the same for others. 

Cancer Musings( Radiation Treatment #19-Surprise Visit)

Today was my 19th radiation treatment. As I was walking into the building for my appointment, I heard someone call out my name. When I turned around I saw Pam. She is the one I met the day of my first treatment who also had her first treatment that day, had the same diagnosis as me, the same oncologist, and the same treatment plan. I hadn't seen her since the second week of treatment because she switched to morning appointments and mine are in the afternoon. 

She remembered the time of my appointments and made a special trip over to see me. She said she had lost the card I had given her with my phone number on it and came over to see if she could connect with me before my appointment. We texted each other in the lobby so we would have the other's phone number in the future. I was so touched by the effort she made to connect with me. Since our journeys are on a parallel path, it will be nice to keep in touch with her. And she's a beautiful person. Everytime I see her, I leave the conversation feeling joyful. I'm so grateful that God, in His sovereignty, allowed our paths to cross on the first day of radiation treatment. 

Cancer Musings (Radiation Treatment #17-explanations)

Today was radiation treatment #17 and the first boost treatment. The two techs who performed the treatments today were very friendly and kind. They explained to me that the radiation would focus on just the tumor bed for these last four treatments, the setup would look different than I was used to, there would be an attachment on the machine, the treatments would take less time, and I wouldn't have to hold my breath during the treatments. Then I was asked if I had any questions about these new treatments. That is the first time I've been asked by a tech if I had questions since this process began, and I appreciated it immensely. I was downright giddy about it. It was an answer to prayer for me and made me feel comfortable with the experience. 

I'm grateful for the radiation techs who know their job very well and perform it with precision. I'm very grateful to God for sustaining me through this whole journey, providing what I need every step of the way, and for knowing what I need better than I know it myself. He can be trusted. 

Cancer Musings (Radiation Treatment #16-the boost)

Today I met with the radiation oncologist. Tomorrow, the new mapping they did last week will be put to use. The last four treatments will be called a boost. This means that rather than focusing on a larger area, they will focus on just the area of the tumor bed (where the tumor was removed). Only four left to go. Woo-hoo!

Cancer Musings (Radiation Treatment #14-Conversations)

Today was radiation treatment #14. Due to a computer update issue that affected the equipment used in the radiation treatments, the afternoon appointments were running behind today. I was taken back for the appointment an hour after the time it was supposed to start. This is highly unusual for this office. They have been very timely with appointments up to this point.

The hidden gem in the delay of the appointment (and the beauty of God's plan) was that I got to visit with women from the appointment ahead of me and the appointment behind me. 

Both women told me pieces of their breast cancer stories. Some details were the same as mine, some were different. I enjoyed talking with both of them, hearing their stories, getting to know them, and sharing common ground. 

At the end of both conversations, I asked the same question. "How are you doing with this experience, emotionally?" I was meaning the cancer experience. Both women had emotional reactions to the question. The first said she hadn't cried much through the whole experience (a little in the beginning, not at all through chemo), but the radiation experience has brought on tears. The second woman's eyes immediately welled up with tears at the question. She was still in the "mapping" and "dry run" portion of the experience and wouldn't have her first radiation treatment until next week. She spoke about chemo being physically awful but not as emotional as the beginning of this radiation process has been. 

It was interesting to all of us to realize that we shared this common denominator. We all agreed that confusion around what the process would entail and lack of explanation throughout the process increased the emotions around it. I think it was enlightening (and comforting) to all of us to know we were not alone in our feelings. I think we had been feeling a bit alone up to that point. 

I am grateful to God that He used this unusual interruption in the day to allow me to meet these two women and hear their stories. There are no accidents. God is in control of it all and uses it all for His purposes and for His glory.

Cancer Musings (Radiation Treatment #12-More Mapping)

Today I had radiation treatment #12. When I entered the room, a tech  asked me if I would have time to stay a little longer after the appointment, so they could do some "mapping" for the last few treatments. I told her I had the extra time and I could stay. I always think that further explanation for these mysterious questions will come later. Alas, that does not happen. In my experience, so far, not a lot of explanation is given by the techs for any of the processes that are taking place during the radiation treatments. 

I knew from an earlier experience that "mapping" meant I would be told to lie very still, talking would not be encouraged, my arms would be above my head the whole time, marks would be drawn on my body, 2-3 techs would be way closer to bare parts of my body than I would let a stranger come near in any other circumstance, and the doctor would come into the room to examine the work of the techs and give instructions without uttering a single word to me before leaving. Yep. It turns out I remembered that part correctly. 

After the "mapping" process I was told that the marks they made on my body would wash off and they would draw new marks on me each time I came in for treatment going forward. Why is the "mapping" changing and why were the new marks drawn? That piece of information was not given to me. 

Through this cancer experience so far, I found chemotherapy treatment to be physically difficult and very taxing on my body. But, I have found radiation treatment to be emotionally difficult. I didn't cry after chemo treatments, but I have left radiation treatments in tears at least three times now. I've learned that any appointment with the words "mapping" or "dry run" in them seem to be tear inducing for me. Radiation treatments (for breast cancer anyway) feel very personal and invasive. I often feel more like an object than a person. Though I do understand the need for precision and technicality in this process, and I'm very grateful for it, I also long for compassion and empathy in the form of explanations. 

God is teaching me, through this experience, the importance of compassion (both giving it and receiving it). I know I have lacked it towards others in my life, both knowingly and unknowingly. These experiences remind me of the great compassion of God. (But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15). I'm grateful for the reminder of it, and I am grateful that He is with me every step of this journey. 

Cancer Musings (Radiation Treatment #9)

Today I had radiation treatment #9 and the last one for this week. So far, the side effects have been minimal. There is not much fatigue or skin irritation at this point, but I've been told those things show up heavier toward the end of treatment. 

A challenging part during the treatments is holding my breath. Because they are treating the left side, and that is where the heart is located, I'm asked to hold my breath while they are "radiating" that area to "move the heart out of the danger zone of radiation". The tech tells me when to take a deep breath and hold it. They say it will last 20-30 seconds, but it is usually 25-30+ seconds at least. I know this because I count it out in my head. And I'm asked to hold my breath 2-3 times during each treatment. At first, I found this very challenging, and I felt panicky about it, even though I was told just to let my breath out if I couldn't hold it any longer. I'm getting the hang of it now, and I feel a little more relaxed. I still pray my way through it every time though. 

At the end of today's session, a tech came out of the booth and said, "I tried to hold my breath for as long as you did, but I only made it halfway." Another tech came out and said the same thing. This made me chuckle, and I thanked them for their show of solidarity. It was nice to have it recognized that this is not an easy thing to do. 

I'm grateful to God that He is with me every step of this journey and providing me big and small things that help me along the way. He is faithful. 

Cancer Musings (Radiation Treatment #4)

Today was my fourth radiation treatment and the last one for the week. So far, by the grace of God, I have not felt much physical effect from the treatments. My energy has remained the same, but I'm told the side effects might not show up until a couple weeks into treatment. 

The treatments themselves are very short. They last only about 5 minutes. I'm in the office about 30 minutes total for each appointment. Once a week, I meet with a nurse and doctor for an examination and discussion of how the treatments are going. Those appointments last a little longer, about 45 minutes. 

I took the day off of work today. Before my appointment, I met with my friend, Kim, for lunch. She accompanied me to the appointment afterward and waited in the waiting room for me. It was nice to have her there. 

Cancer Musings (Radiation Treatment #1)

Today was my first day of radiation treatments. Treatments will happen every weekday for the next 4 weeks (with one extra day off for the 4th of July). It will be a total of 20 treatments. My last radiation treatment will be July 29. I set up the appointments for the afternoons. I've been managing to work full time so far through this cancer journey and plan to continue that, if my body allows, during the radiation treatments. My plan is to work in the office until 1:30 everyday, go to treatment, and then go home and work another hour or so from home. The big side effects that can happen with radiation treatments are fatigue and skin irritation/pain. I may have to adjust my work plan as the treatments progress depending on how side effects manifest themselves. It's a wait-and-see game for now. 

So far, the radiation treatment experience has been the most emotional for me. It took a long time for me to decide if I was going to choose a treatment course that would include radiation therapy or a more extensive (prophylactic) surgery plan. I chose radiation, and the road has been a bit bumpy ever since. 

Greg wanted to be with me when I went to my first treatment today, so we rode to work together and then went to the appointment together. I was very glad to have him with me before and after the appointment. 

I was nervous and emotional before arriving at the appointment because the "dry run" appointment didn't go very well. I was dreading this one. 

After I arrived at the appointment and was sitting in the dressing/waiting room, God calmed my nerves and provided a sweet surprise/distraction for me. A woman came out of her treatment and and into the room where I was waiting, and said, "Whew! That's done." and the following conversation ensued. 

She said, "Today was my first treatment." 

I said, "Me too."

She said, "I have triple negative breast cancer."

I said, "Me too."

She said, "And I found out when the radiation treatment is over, I have to do an oral course (pill form) of chemo for six more months."I said, "Me too."

She said, "Who is your doctor?" And I told her the name. 

She said, "Me too."

We talked for a just a couple more minutes before staff came to take me back for the treatment. She told me her experience with the first treatment and said it wasn't as hard as she thought it would be. She had a cheery disposition and was easy to talk to. It put my mind at ease. 

The first radiation treatment went well. I felt more relaxed than I had been in the previous appointments. I'm so grateful to God that He allowed me to meet "Pam" before my appointment. Talking with someone who is familiar with my exact circumstances was what I needed in that moment. God is very faithful, and He can trusted in all things.