A New Year

I'm always reflective this time of year. This holiday (New Year's Day) fits well with my personality. I like definite beginnings and definite endings. I like starts and finishes, something measurable and tangible, and the new year provides that.

I am also reflective this time of year because it is the season in which God called me unto Him and regenerated me. When I first started this blog I shared my testimony as it is written in a gospel tract that I use in my evangelism efforts (it can be found under the archives--May posts--My testimony). Today I would like to share that testimony again, as I remember it when this time of year comes around.

We were fast approaching on the close of the year 2003 and the beginning of the year 2004. For most of the year of 2003 (if not longer), I was very depressed. I was profoundly sad and unhappy. I could function in the world but just barely. I made it to work (most days) and then back home again to my world of self-pity. I called myself a Christian, but I did not have the joy of the Lord in my life. I turned to many outside things for happiness, my main source being television and movies. I lived my life around TV. But, I was getting to the point where TV could no longer make me happy. I also relied heavily on my husband, Greg, for my happiness, and he wasn't cutting it either. We had some financial challenges during that time, and I was sure that Greg was the sole cause of those difficulties and all my unhappiness.


Right before Christmas that year, I told Greg I was going to leave him. I had a plan, and I gave him a time frame. It crushed him (and to my shame, I was hoping for that). He asked me to wait a month. I reluctantly agreed.


Since I had a month to kill before I could start being happy again, and I truly was a mess, I thought I would try a few self-help strategies, something to focus on in the meantime. I decided that my New Year's resolution for 2004 would be to stop watching TV that year. Considering the amount of time I spent watching TV daily, it was a drastic move on my part (even more than I could fathom). But once I commit to something, I commit. I was going to do this thing (ironic considering my mindset about my marriage at the time).


When January 1, 2004, arrived, I stopped watching TV. The first week, I survived quite nicely, I thought. It was a work week, so I hardly noticed not watching TV in the evenings. I was in the zone, so it didn't matter. However, I do remember, very clearly, that first Saturday without TV. I woke up at my usual time, went about my usual morning activities, ate breakfast. But, by 10:00, I was a mess. I didn't know what to do with myself without TV. I started crying hysterically. Greg did his best to console me, but by 11:00 we came to the conclusion that I should go back to bed. So, that's what I did. Though I did not have the language to put with the situation at the time, that was my first inkling that TV had become an idol in my life.


As the weeks passed without TV, God started to reveal my heart to me. I called myself a Christian, but I worshipped everything except God. When TV was removed from my life, I didn't fill that space with the worship of God, but I did seek to fill that space. I was still very depressed, and I begged God to give me joy. I demanded it.

One day, I was in the bathtub (I spent a lot of time in the bathtub during those days. It felt small and contained and in control, and I liked that) and I was crying (did a lot of that during that time as well). Again, I asked God to give me joy. And at that moment, God opened my eyes. I was suddenly aware that I was in no position to ask God for anything. I was an idolater and a liar and much more, but those two sins alone were enough to convict me and lay me out flat before God. I had never been more aware of my sins before a holy and righteous God than I was at that moment. With that realization came the reality of the cross. Suddenly I understood why Jesus died for me--because I am a sinner in need of a savior. Up until that time I truly believed that the prayer I repeated after the camp counselor when I was 11 years old had saved me. I thought that was how it worked--pray a prayer and then do your best to be a good person. That day in the bathtub I was very aware that I was not a good person. I cried out to God in true repentance for the first time in my life. That day, I stopped trusting in a prayer I said when I was 11 and put my trust in Christ alone for my salvation.

That began a season of repentance in my life. It was followed by weeks of crying and asking for forgiveness as God brought my offenses to mind. I now understand why the Bible uses the phrase "you must be born again". That is the only explanation for what took place in my life. God made me new. He took the old desires and gave me new ones. Things I couldn't make myself do weeks before (read my Bible, pray, love my husband) I suddenly wanted to do. I knew that was not of myself. I was new. I had been born again.

As I contemplate a new year to come and reflect on the 2003/2004 holidays, I thank God for saving me and making me a new creature in Christ.