Cancer Musings (Spring Hat)

Today was a beautiful, unseasonably warm April day in Minnesota. The thermometer hit 81 degrees. I also had an unusual amount of energy for a Saturday (which is usually a harder day in the after-chemo cycle for me), which prompted Greg and I to go to a local park and take a walk. 

Recently, I was talking to my friend, Sue, and telling her that the hard thing for me about seeing the warmer weather come is that I'd have to stop wearing my favorite winter hats to cover my bald head. I live in those hats and prefer them to the wig, but there is a point when winter knitted hats with pom-poms start to look ridiculous (and get pretty hot). Upon hearing my lament, my friend ordered a spring-summer appropriate hat for me and gave it to me. That was such a kind thing for her to do. I've mentioned before that the kindness and compassion and generosity of God and people has been what has overwhelmed me (with gratitude) the most during this cancer journey. 

It was the perfect hat for today. I was grateful to God for the opportunity (and energy) to use the "spring" hat for the first time. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #9)

Today was my 9th treatment of Taxol. Only 3 more to go. I had several good days last week and was able to eat more food than usual. I thank God for that. Greg was able to be with me today, which I am also grateful for. 

Though I'm nearing the end of chemo, I'm not nearing the end of this journey quite yet. There will be a surgery in my future (lumpectomy or mastectomy). I meet with the surgeon again as part of next week's appointments to finalize some of those decisions There needs to be at least 4 weeks between the last chemo session and surgery, so it will likely be in June and will require a recovery period and time off of work. Prayer for that decision is appreciated. 

I've worked hard through this journey to share it with others all along the way (such as with this blog). I ask for help from the Lord to celebrate what I can celebrate and mourn what I need to mourn. He is helping me to do that. One way that I do that is to make sure we take a picture at every chemo session/appointment. You'll find the picture of Greg and  me at today's appointment listed below..

Cancer Musings (The Cancer Train)

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I felt like I was on a runaway train that I couldn't get off from. And I kept saying that over and over. The "train" was set in motion, and I couldn't stop it. There were so many phone calls and appointments and decisions. There was no break from it. That feeling hasn't changed that much since the beginning of the process, but I have learned to roll with it and embrace it as time has gone on. 

I started to use the "train" as an out of the ordinary way to journal the process. I cut out little paper train cars and wrote down the different appointments, treatments, side effects, etc. that have come with the cancer experience. I don't want to forget what has happened along the way. I want to remember it and use it to fuel compassion for others I encounter along the way and in the future. 

I posted the train on the wall next my favorite chair in our bedroom, so I can see it and be reminded. 

It didn't take long and I made a second train. The first one I call the "Cancer Train", and the second one I call the "Gratitude Train". On the gratitude train cars I'm writing down all the kind things God has done through people and answered prayer since this journey began (cards in the mail, meals delivered to our door, encouraging conversations, etc.) It keeps things in perspective for me. 

It's a work in progress, and my prayer is that in the end the Gratitude Train is far longer than the Cancer Train. 

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day-Taxol #8)

Today was my 8th treatment of Taxol. The finish line is in sight. Only 4 more to go. By the grace of God, I had more good days than bad days last week, and the side effects were fewer and tolerable.

We have been very fortunate through this process that Greg has been able to attend most of the chemo and doctor appointments with me. He hasn't had to go out of town for work nearly as much this winter compared to past years, and we're very grateful for that. Today, however, Greg did have to work an in-town show, so he wasn't able to attend this infusion appointment. I had my back-up guy with me. Papa-Larry came with me and filled in as my "ice pack technician". He did a great job and it was nice to have him there. 

The only appointment I had today was labs/infusion, so it was a quicker process than usual. I felt well going into it and there were no complications along the way. I praise God for the good day and his continued care along this journey. 

I've included a couple pictures below. 

Cancer Musings (Good Friday & Easter)

For me personally and for our household, the Easter holiday is all about recognizing and honoring the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ . We consider it the most significant event(s) in history and the basis of our Christian faith. With that in mind, I set out with a very specific purpose for this weekend: Operation Conserve Energy. It was my goal (and my prayer) to stay as rested as possible so I could make it to the Good Friday and Easter services at our church this weekend. The reason I chose the church services is because it is the place I knew these events would be most recognized and focused on. I set aside any ideas of hosting a family gathering or attending a family gathering because I knew ahead of time I would not have the strength and energy for more than one extra event in a day.

God answered my prayers. I was able to attend the somber, poignant, and thought-provoking Good Friday service. This year our church did a Tenebrae service, meaning the lights progressively dimmed after each reading and song until the service ended in darkness and we walked out in silence. This was to symbolize the darkness of Jesus' death and describe the darkness that came over the land on that day as described in Matthew 27:45 "Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour.."

This morning I was able to attend the celebratory Easter service where we honored the resurrection of Jesus from the dead with light, color, joyous song, and reading God's Word. 

It was so good to be at both services, and I thank God for the opportunity. I can truly say I appreciated it more this year than I have in the past because this year it became precious to me all over again. 

" He is not here, but has risen. Remember how he told you, while he was still in Galilee, that the Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men and be crucified and on the third day rise." Luke 24:6-7

" We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God." Romans 6:9-10

Cancer Musings (Chemo Day - Taxol #7)

Today was my 7th treatment of Taxol. I'm over the hump now. Only 5 left to go. Usually I have a couple good days right before I have chemo again, but this time around, there were no good days. I was sick the whole way through and had a very hard time eating all week (but I did eat). No upswing this time around. By the time I got to this morning, I was pretty weak and hoping when they drew labs they wouldn't let me do chemo this week. But my labs came back fine with the exception of slightly low potassium, which was not enough to keep me from going through with the treatment. 

The oncology team gave me some easy solutions to increase my potassium through diet and supplements, which I feel confident will allow me to regain some strength and feel a little better. By the grace of God, the pre-meds they gave me before the Taxol infusion today allowed me to regain some strength and tolerate the med. I was even able to eat lunch afterward. I feel better this evening than I've felt this week so far. 

When I saw the oncologist last week, she told me I'm at the point in the treatments where I'm going to have to "dig deep" to get through it because the weariness sets in and the side effects continue. I'm finding that to be true, so I'm digging deeper into prayer and reliance on God and His faithfulness. The prayers of others are also a huge help to me at this time, and I thank you all who are praying and for the many kindnesses I've been shown in this journey.

Cancer Musings (Cancer Is Expensive)

Shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and the wheels of the process were already moving (fast), I was speaking with a friend at church who is living with leukemia. I just had a port placed in my chest a few days before that. The port is meant to help with the chemo process. The lab draws and the infusions of chemo drugs are accessed with a needle inserted directly into the port site. This spares the patient from being poked in the arm every time and it spares the stress put on the veins. My friend told me the cost of the port without insurance picking up a good-sized chunk of it. The price was astronomical. She made a statement that I have come back to many, many times in my mind since then. She said quite emphatically, "Cancer is expensive!" I have found that to be very true. Cancer is expensive in many ways and I'll elaborate on a few of the ways I've discovered along this journey so far. 

Cancer is expensive financially: Besides the many, many medical bills that come in during this process for chemo treatments, doctor visits, mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, genetic testing, echocardiograms, surgical consultations to name a few, there are also the hidden costs of side effects. Each new side effect (and I've experienced several during this process) has brought with it a hidden cost.

There's expensive lotion/ointment I had to buy to counteract the effects of skin sloughing off the bottom of  my feet. This ointment had to be applied to my feet, generously two to three times every day for about 6 weeks until they healed. I went through 5 large tubs of this ointment during that process. It worked, but it was expensive. 

There are a lot of  expensive foods and supplements I've bought along the way as I was instructed to try them in order to stimulate my appetite and in the search for something I could keep down as I was rapidly losing weight. Some worked and some didn't. Some worked temporarily and then they didn't work anymore, and I had to move on to something else. 

There are wigs and hats and new clothes. Most of the clothes I wore when I first started this process do not fit me any longer. Too many are the hidden monetary costs of side effects that come with cancer and chemo to name them all here. 

Cancer is expensive physically: Either the disease is tearing down your body or the cure is. Spent is definitely a good word for how it makes you feel. 

Cancer is expensive emotionally: Between what the physical exhaustion does to your emotions and the amount of emotional energy it takes to make myriad decisions very quickly never knowing if you're making exactly the right one, the cost is high.

Cancer is expensive time wise: Everything takes longer with cancer (and chemo). It takes longer to walk up the stairs. It takes longer to get dressed in the morning. It takes longer to make a decision, and the list goes on.

Cancer is expensive on friendships and family relationships: I think it is probably fair to say that in some ways it is harder to have a front row seat to a family member or friend with cancer than it is being the one with cancer. It is hard to watch others suffer and not know exactly what to do. 

I agree with my friend. Cancer is expensive, but everything has some cost to it. I wouldn't have signed up for cancer (and certainly not chemo). I'm grateful for all it is teaching me along the way such as the goodness of God and the kindness and compassion of people in the middle of suffering. It has cost a lot but it has paid out greatly too.